Tips On How To Win an Election

What you are about to read does not fully encapsulate my views on politics. It's more of a comic book version of my views... actually I just made it up, it makes no sense and you will learn absolutely nothing. You might even lose intelligence, but maybe that's a good thing. Us humans, we're a bit too smart for our own good, we could use a bit of stupididification.

I'm only gving out these tips because it's election season here, so we got a lot of arguing going on. I'm thinking I should run whenever I'm better, I'd love to be called senator.

Anyways, here are several excerpts from my playbook...

A Couple Tips on How to Win an Election

• Being loud, obnoxious, and incomprehensible are three key facts to winning arguments. If your opponent can't understand what you're saying it only makes him look stupid. Only stupid wussy intellectual types will think you are stupid for being loud, obnoxious, and incomprehensible, but most of those intellectuals are stuck in their ivory towers and can easily be dismissed as commie bastards.

• Be brash, brazen, call your opponent a 'homosexual pedophile,' slander his good name as much as is legally possible. Slandering your opponent is a great way to have fun and relax, but it's also a hell of a lot cheaper than making sense.

• Look confident, sneer a lot, have a toothpick between your teeth, and crack your knuckles.

• Make people believe you're Santa Claus. Promise everything to everyone. You cannot promise enough, promise this and promise that, you gotta be a promising machine. You gotta be pretty good with reading people, knowing what makes them tick and what they want in life. Once you can read them, you know every pretty little thing they wanna hear. You can tell that weird cowboy guy he can have his freakin' pink pony if that's what he wants. But you got to do this promising with a big fat smile on your face, a smile that hides all the crazy deceit seeping through every bone in your body, deceit which your eyes might betray from time to time. Which brings me to the next point...

• Make sure you have extremely, ridiculously shiny million watt looking teeth. In effect, when you smile, the dazzle will be so blinding that people won't be able to see the subtle hint of deceit betrayed by your eyes. The eyes never lie, and that's why you make sure people don't focus on 'em.
  

• Have about 4 gnarly looking bouncer types standing behind you in the shadows, at all times!!! Try and arrange it so that only their silhouettes are perceptible to those around you. It helps if the bouncer types wear fedoras and smoke, the smoke will create a hazy, nefarious, maybe someone's gonna get murdered if they piss me off kinda atmosphere. This will further instill fear in your opponent. Intimidation works!

• Use the media! Release fake reports that tacitly link you to the mob, this will help prevent your opponent from even thinking about slandering your good name. If he thinks you're cozy with the mob, he'll be too worried about a new pair of cement shoes and the sad dim glow of sunlight that reaches him at the bottom of a lake, reminding him that if he had kept his slanderous mouth shut, he could be a hell of lot less dead, not to mention getting a better tan.

• Turn negatives into positives. Did your opponent or the media discover that you, the family man, participated in a wild, crazy, awesome sex orgy the night before (you don't regret a minute of it), not to mention the dead hooker they found in the trunk of your car (that of course is a bit more damning). You got a lot of explaining to do. Here's what you do. Say it's all a misunderstanding. It's actually your sorry, failure of a brother who did all this, and since he looks like you, everyone was mistaken and thought it was you (this is a plausible story, please refer to the Carter family for precedent). Next, explain how amazing it is that you were able to find success, considering the gene pool you come from includes such a wicked, amoral brother as yours. Please feel free at this point to include stories of your dire, miserable upbringing (sure it was upper-middle class, but has a bit of embellishment ever hurt anybody?), and that through sheer will and talent you have beaten the odds and found the path to success. People will drink that shit up like kool-aid.
  

• Talk about God. Make sure people know how much you love God. Tell them night and day. Find a church, accost some churchgoers, and coerce them into telling the media how devout you've been all these years. Once again, if you've got to convince these people to lie for you the hard way (ie, putting a gun to their head to lie about how great and pious you are), do it, you need the votes. Just make sure you don't get caught in your coercive measures.
  

• Have lots of money. Lots, lots, and lots. None of our senators is less than a multi-millionaire (or so I believe), so make sure you are super rich, you'll have better chances of winning.

• Win baby. That is your code, the pillar of your existence. I don't care if you have to sell your kids to the Dalai Lama! And don't forget to always lie your freakin' pants off. Evade the truth, evade it like Ali avoiding punches, be that butterfly that dances around the truth, dodging it with grace and beauty. Truth is your kryptonite, it's radiation poisoning, anathema... Avoid the truth and do whatever it takes to win baby!!!
  

• And always remember, sucker punches are perfectly acceptable, even encouraged in the art of politics. You gotta be a bastard, but you gotta love being a bastard to win!

Crap, the cynicism from this writing spilled over onto my hands and onto my shirt. Yucky, I hate cynicism, get it off me, get it off!!! What kind of detergent should I use?