Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Why?

Why is there always a fly in my glass of water?

No, seriously. Why?

At least the flies aren't crawling up inside my eyeballs. That exact situation happened a while back, and it was a most unpleasant experience. Let me tell you about it.

First of all, I have no clue as to how the flies ended up behind my eyeballs. They just did, ok?

So these flies behind my eyeballs were a problem. My dog and I brainstormed for solutions. We decided that he needed to crawl into my ear with a waterbottle and flashlight and attempt to flush out the flies from my eyeballs. Granted, it was a risky idea, considering the fact that neither my dog nor me are familiar with human anatomy, but we said what the hey, let's quickly check out the Artist's Guide to Anatomy and give this thing a shot.

Before starting this endeavor, I turned on the radio and set it to NPR. It was my dog who wanted to listen to NPR, he said it helps him concentrate.

So my dog crawled and squished himself up into my ear and into my head. How did he find the courage? I don't know, he's a eff'n hero and he eats his frosty flakes, that's all I know. Then, with unparalleled agility and surgical precision he managed to find the flies behind my eyeballs and he washed them out with water from his bottle. I was happy to be rid of those symbols of death.

Thankfully, due to my dog's extreme dexterity, I survived this episode without any serious damage to my eyeballs. And I was back to my carefree self again! I felt free, free like a bird, and with this sense of regained freedom I resumed my favorite hobbies: frolicking and rolling around in mud; breaking dinner plates and porcelain wares with my favorite hammer; nailing thousands upon thousands of nails in beautiful arabesque patterns all over my neighbor's bedroom (sometimes I house-sit on weekends); putting on African masks and reading The Odyssey in the original Dutch while the rabbits from my yard eat chocolate bunny rabbits and dance around me chanting about the end of the world (the rabbits tell me the act of eating the chocolate bunnies is symbolic, of what, I still don't know). I also resumed my habit of burying my friends' Ipods and other expensive electronic equipment in my backyard. I don't know why I have that habit, but it helps me relax, and you know what, who cares about the why so long as something is enjoyable and relaxing.

In real news... Someone told me about this commercial they saw, something about a talking squirrel and Abraham Lincoln. I felt like telling them that I too talked to squirrels, I've never spoken to Abraham Lincoln though, but definitely had serious intellectual debates with these squirrels in my yard. A subject we particularly enjoy discussing is the history of land ownership and its socio-economic impacts. The squirrels say property rights are the foundation of capitalism. I think it's chocolate. Anyways, those squirrels have amazing analytical skills, I think they made a pact with the devil, in exchange for their souls they were given reasoning skills and 20 kilos of heroin. Good deal.

20 comments:

Mariana said...

It's that kind of can do attitude that has made humanity great!

Tara said...

I think the commercial that person was talking about was the sleeping pill commercial. Can't remember the brand. But the slogan says "Your dreams miss you." It features Abraham Lincoln, some guy in the background in an old scuba suit, and a talking woodchuck. They're convincing this other guy to see his doctor so that he can get the meds and start sleeping (and dreaming). It's not a talking squirrel, that would just be silly. ;)

Faz the Cat said...

I do believe in talking squirrels but I don't believe they were talking to Abraham Lincolm cos he's no longer alive - even a cat know's that. FAZ

p.s. that fly in the eyeballs thing sounds scary

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I don't think I would trust my dog to do that, as much as I love her.

Sebastien said...

Mariana: I know! I love can do attitude, anything is possible!

Tara: Ahhhhh, shoot, so I got it all wrong... Well, thanks for bringing me the truth, but I'm sad, now my story doesn't work :(

Faz: You make a very valid point. Abe ain't alive anymore, I forgot about that. Flies in the eyeballs is most atrocious and frightening, I don't recommend it.

Silver: Really!? But I thought your dog played with scissors all day, maybe she is practicing her surgical skills just in case a situation like mine occurs...

MrManuel said...

Wow, what drug are you on today and how can I get some?

laurenbove said...

Hi there. I found you on WAT's blog and thought I'd check yours out. Hope you don't mind but I'm wondering how your doing with the EBV? I had it as did my mother. It took a long time but we've gotten "better". I still have issues, but I'll save those for another day. ;)

ttfn!

Sonja said...

I can't believe I have ever been bored in my life, now that I see all the cool things there are to do. Since I enjoy reading, I think the African mask idea would be the first one I'd try...

bice said...

Flies behind the eyeballs... you been smoking cocaine/dead dad with Keith Richards.

Katie McKenna said...

grinning... you are fabulously funny!

Sebastien said...

Mrmanuel: I work on my craziness every day. I also take a cocktail of drugs, like LSD, peyote, and cocaine.

Lauren: Hi! Thanks for visiting! Glad to hear you've improved from your struggle, maybe you can send me an email or something if you have time... Well, I'm still struggling with the EBV, has lasted a long time and there are lots of ups and downs, still can't work or do the essential stuff, but things are getting better, so I just gotta keep resting and keep stress free. The main problems are fatigue and headaches, but they aren't nearly as bad as before.

Sonja: Oh yeah, it's a fun one, I'm sure you'll enjoy it!

Bice: Haha, I heard about that, that is true craziness for you...

Katie: Why thank you :)

taarzaan said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Obviously.

Babybull40 said...

Abe Lincoln is in cahoots with the squirrel and there is another ad with Abe and a talking Beaver... Now that's a conspiracy...

Babybull40 said...

I just saw what Tara said.. I guess Woodchucks and Beavers are in on it..Beavers are a national symbol here.. they are on the Nickel...Rambo is the most bravest and courageous dog ever!

tkkerouac said...

I talk to the back yard squirrels too, in fact, I talk to all animals!

Sebastien said...

Taaraan: Haha, thanks :)

Babybull: Beavers are on nickels in Canada!? That is soooo awesomely hilarious, I gotta get me some of these nickels!

Tk: Talking to animals is a very awesome spiritual thing. People should do it more often :)

Katie McKenna said...

I hope that is talk and Listen to animals Sebastien. :)

Sebastien said...

Oh, yes! Of course, I'm a great listener. Seriously, I am!

frenchyflower said...

I had a fly in my soup yesterday. So sad.

Sebastien said...

Yes, these are difficult times. I found another fly in my cup, seriously. I did.