Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Kim Kardashian and Terrorist Ground Squirrels


I have so many important things to talk about. First off, Kim Kardashian is great. You are going to be shocked and saddened that I'm sort of over Paris Hilton right now. I've decided it was best for the both of us that we move on, and I'm delighted to announce that I've found new happiness and joy in my newest celeb crush which happens to be the marvelous Kim. The big news with her is that she has a photoshoot in an upcoming Life&Style magazine, and she looks gorgeous!

In possibly even more important news: the local ground squirrels are tearing up the cactuses in my yard. These creatures create little burrows, in and around the cactus, and proceed to eat the roots, thus slowly destroying the cactus plant. Creatures with such a capacity for evil and nefarious tactics fulfill the definition of 'terrorist,' nay, they go above and beyond, and can simply be branded 'Super Terrorists.'

I've done some pain staking/time consuming google research on these gruesome, awful, lazy (except in their quest for destruction), grisly, ghastly ground squirrels... and there seems to be research out there that tentatively links them to the duckbill platypus, a creature we all know to be without match in its attempt to destroy our global economy and establish a world wide duckbill platypus hegemony.

The potential link between ground squirrels and duckbill platypuses is cause for serious concern.

Here is a link to a picture of a ground squirrel, but let me warn you that their appearance can be shocking and frightening, and should only be viewed by people who don't have heart conditions or problems with nightmares.

I am currently working on dislodging the 'Super Terrorist' ground squirrels. Right now I am working through diplomatic channels, having offered them 5 pounds of dried cactus roots and a free vacation to Cancun (hehe, maybe they will catch swine flu, aren't I devious!).

Wish me luck in my negotiations, and if you have any ideas or tactics that you think might be helpful, please let me know!

13 comments:

Tara said...

When I saw holes in the cacti in my brother's front yard the last time I visited him, I just assumed it was insects doing that damage. Now I know the truth. The ground squirrels will even let insects take the blame for their terrible work. And look how innocent those ground squirrels appear to be. Sheesh. They are such smooth operators.

Caza said...

sont tellement weirds les squireuls qu'on pourrait facilement faire un remake terrifiant de la planète des singes avec eux

Sebastien said...

Tara: I know, it's absolutely despicable. Sad, tragic, nefarious. Words can't define the evilness of these creatures...

Caza: Haha, bonne idée!!! 'Killer Squirrels From Outer Space'

MrManuel said...

Kardashian does nothing for me.

I have nightmares of ground squirrels invading my home. You just made it worse.

Sebastien said...

Hahaha, I'm so glad I helped fuel your nightmares of ground squirrels. They are freaky aren't they, I hope they don't invade and tie you up and waterboard you, because the ones around here have done that to some of our neighbors... awful stuff.

And shame on you for your lack of love for Kim Kardashian...

daffy said...

Why have you got a photograph of me on your blog? *does double take* Ah, it's not me... very similar though!;o)
I kind of like squirrels, I just think they look so cute! Look at the photo from your link... he looks so darn cool!

Sebastien said...

Daffy, I know you meant to say 'he looks so darn evil!'

I will excuse your slip-up this time :)

laura b. said...

Sebastien, I have some hard news for you. Please, sit down. It is about Kim...she...she...she loves ground squirrels. There. I said it. I'm sorry, but it is true and you deserve to know. I'm so sorry.

Sebastien said...

Why do you have to destroy my life like this? Schadenfreude? do you enjoy my misery sooo so so much???!!!

Sammy said...

seb,
if not for my tradgic personal history with these creatures, i would be equally skeptical due to their appearance. however, i have witnessed their extensive plan to destroy all ground foliage on the beaches in la jolla.
also, their predilection for quick sneaky escape from my dogs leads me to believe they might have a connection to the fraggles

Sebastien said...

Hahaha, I hadn't realized they might be connected to the Fraggles! Did I ever mention that the Fraggles kind of freaked me out when I was little...

Zhu said...

Here you are! For some reason, I had trouble detecting your feed...!

Anyway, glad to see you back, dear mister "I-have-a-weird-obsession-with-squirrels". Missed you...

Sebastien said...

Missed you as well Zhu. I like your nickname for me, I think I will introduce myself with that name :)