Kim Kardashian and Terrorist Ground Squirrels

I have so many important things to talk about. First off, Kim Kardashian is great. You are going to be shocked and saddened that I'm sort of over Paris Hilton right now. I've decided it was best for the both of us that we move on, and I'm delighted to announce that I've found new happiness and joy in my newest celeb crush which happens to be the marvelous Kim. The big news with her is that she has a photoshoot in an upcoming Life&Style magazine, and she looks gorgeous!

In possibly even more important news: the local ground squirrels are tearing up the cactuses in my yard. These creatures create little burrows, in and around the cactus, and proceed to eat the roots, thus slowly destroying the cactus plant. Creatures with such a capacity for evil and nefarious tactics fulfill the definition of 'terrorist,' nay, they go above and beyond, and can simply be branded 'Super Terrorists.'

I've done some pain staking/time consuming google research on these gruesome, awful, lazy (except in their quest for destruction), grisly, ghastly ground squirrels... and there seems to be research out there that tentatively links them to the duckbill platypus, a creature we all know to be without match in its attempt to destroy our global economy and establish a world wide duckbill platypus hegemony.

The potential link between ground squirrels and duckbill platypuses is cause for serious concern.

Here is a link to a picture of a ground squirrel, but let me warn you that their appearance can be shocking and frightening, and should only be viewed by people who don't have heart conditions or problems with nightmares.

I am currently working on dislodging the 'Super Terrorist' ground squirrels. Right now I am working through diplomatic channels, having offered them 5 pounds of dried cactus roots and a free vacation to Cancun (hehe, maybe they will catch swine flu, aren't I devious!).

Wish me luck in my negotiations, and if you have any ideas or tactics that you think might be helpful, please let me know!

Create a Conspiracy About Duckbill Platypuses and Their Desire To Take Over the World Day

I was visiting Tara's blog, and I learned what day today is!!! It's create a conspiracy about duckbill platypuses and their desire to take over the world day!

So, let me tell you a story, a perfectly true story. The veracity of this story is unquestionable (since it's coming from me, duh!). But first a warning: this story I'm about to tell you, well, this story is not suitable for children or people with heart problems. This story is frightening, shocking, apocalyptic, mind-jarring, and it's all about my encounters with a duckbill platypus(es).

On to the story...

I was visiting the doctor's office 2 weeks ago. It was a normal sunny day outside, but as I walked into the office, something wasn't right (and it wasn't the fact that a fat rabbit was tugging at my shirt sleeve asking me for a carrot and 6 dollars for the bus, while also trying to sell me a baggy full of marijuana). Trying to ignore the rabbit, I scanned the room. I noticed an elderly couple, sitting, waiting for their appointment. They seemed normal enough.

The receptionist waved to me with a smile, I waved hi back... but still, something, something was wrong. Then, as my eyes scanned the room, I saw IT. Two creatures sitting in the corner of the room. Duckbill platypuses. These two duckbill platypuses were quietly sitting and reading waiting room magazines. One of the creatures was reading People magazine, the other was reading Gun and Ammo magazine. Not only was the one platypus reading People magazine, but it was the latest issue, the one I wanted to read. Damn that hideous creature.

I tried to play it cool. I quietly sauntered over to the pair and surreptitiously tried to grab the People magazine away from the platypus in a kind/gentle/sneaky manner. But the platypus wasn't falling for my sneakiness, and yanked the magazine away from my prying hands. The creature snarled at me and threatened me with its stinger... "Whoah," I said, as I started to back away slowly, "whoah now, I just wanted to see what issue of People magazine that was. Ok?"

That's when they called my name. It was my turn to see the doctor.

So I go to the back room and wait a couple minutes for the doctor. Finally there is a knock at the door and the doctor enters the room. But I notice there is something odd about him. He isn't his usual 5'10 height, he is more like 3'5, midget height. How very odd. And he has grown a duckbill, and instead of skin, he is covered with brown fur. I'm beginning to think something is up, something weird and sinister, and yet, I want to attribute these weird changes that I'm seeing to the massive quantities of opium I'm smoking day in and day out... but I just don't know.

So, my doctor, or at least, this creature whom I assume is my doctor, speaks up, and says, "How's it going Sebastien?"

"Fine," I says.

"Well, even though you say you are 'fine,' let me inject you with a new super medecine. It's called Super Medecine," he says.

"Will it get me high?" I ask.

"Yup yup," he says, "and it's good for you."

"Yummy," I reply.

He opens the cabinetry, and pulls out a needle full of the super medeciney stuff. The liquid in the needle is a greenish color, and it's softly glowing. How pretty... and before I know it, he's injected the stuff into a vein in my arm. Wow!... not as good as heroin, but really, it's got a pretty good kick.

Moments afterward, the doctor (platypus?) starts laughing demonically. This isn't a good sign. With my razor sharp thinking, I quickly realize something has gone terribly wrong. My innards start to twist and turn, my body is feeling weird, rubbery, furry. I feel like I'm shrinking, and maybe even growing a bill. These weird changes happen for several minutes, and then I start feeling normal again, except more midgety, and furry, and I'm feeling slightly evil. I feel a new desire in my body, a desire to take over the world. The doctor, still in the room with me, quietly rifles through the cabinetry and finds a mirror, which he hands to me. I look into the mirror, and with utter horror/happiness (I'm not sure which), I realize I've turned into a duckbill platypus, and I want to take over the world.

Cool.

Actual Footage of the Dastardly Duckbill Platypus And A Couple More Words on the Duckbill Platypus Threat (Can You Tell I'm Bored?)

I watched too much football yesterday. My mind is full of garbled football lexicon. Cover 2, nickel this, dime that, stop the run, flattened like a pancake, out route, draw play, slot back, bootleg...

Football hangover isn't the only thing scrambling my brain today. The evilness of the duckbill platypus is still haunting my thoughts, slowly pushing me over the precipice to insanity.

Take a look at the video I posted at the end, the duckbill platypus looks so innocent and cute, but behind that fluffy little exterior lurks the soul of a sadistic killer, the mind of a madman, the chaotic yet crackerjack thinking of one seriously deranged power hungry beast.

If I feel well enough later, I will enlighten you with my story on the secret deal between George Bush and the duckbill platypuses, and how this deal has compromised our national security. This sad and frightening story of greed, deceit, and corruption stretches back to the Carter administration, and involves a slew of high powered politicians, fat cat (cue meow mix song) businessmen, tyrannical dictators, usurious bankers, fiendish used car salesmen, trigger happy KGB, CIA, NSA, FBI types, terrorists, arms dealers, the porno industry, the people who make Hello Kitty products, not to mention many murderous mafioso types.

The threat of the duckbill platypus is known by few, yet it hangs over the head of humans as a collective, looming like the sword of Damocles...

Please note, this video is not suitable for children.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

This entry concerns my concerns on the evil machinations of the duckbill platypus. I've been very puzzled on the subject of this creature. It keeps me up late at night, I thrash and turn in my bed, beads of sweat roll down my trembling forehead as I agonize over this painfully difficult conundrum. Sleep will continue to elude me so long as I do not have a concrete understanding of the duckbill platypus and its motives.

I can't quite figure out whether the duckbill platypus is the most ingenious creature ever, with an intellect so strong as to be on par with Einstein's. Or, is this creature not perhaps the most amazingly hilarious, dreadfully dolefully dim-witted living thing on God's green (uh, probably not so green anymore) earth, and has it duped us into believing it is the greatest thing ever?

Some experts even say this creature is planning to take over the world! These people believe the duckbill platypus wants to usurp our position and grab the reins to power, and create a worldwide duckbill platypus hegemony!

Do you believe the duckbill platypus to be as magnificently malevolently marvelous yet damningly devious as some say, or do you believe it is a ruse, meant to trick us and manipulate our innocent psyches?

If this post made any sense to you, I worry about your sanity, as for my own sanity, not a shred of it is left. Well, I need to go find that 'To Fear' list of mine, I gotta add the duckbill platypus.

P.S. I will be presenting more evidence on the evilness of duckbill platypuses in the days to follow.