Sometimes memories are terrible.
I don't mean the memories themselves are terrible. But it's more how they make you feel in remembering them... they come back and remind you of things you once had but have now lost or will never recapture. Before I got sick I never really had memories haunt me like they have at times this past year. And I don't particularly enjoy wallowing in memories and nostalgia, but you can't control everything in life, sometimes it's unavoidable, and you just gotta feel what you gotta feel.
A particular thing happened to me a couple days ago that triggered this recent phantasmagoria of memories. And this time the intensity of the memories has been very strong... I've had a hard escaping them.
But today the memories and nostalgia have finally eased up. I'm back to thinking in the present and thinking of the future, I'm settling back into my rhythm, my mindset and optimism, and it feels very good.
This whole trip down memory lane just amplifies my desire to fully recover. I'm going to cry and cry and cry with joy the day I finally am free to work and do things again. I try not to get too bothered by the fatigue that still hampers me... I'm getting better, I feel so much more like myself, and I feel so close, like I'm on the cusp... but this fatigue feels like some sort of invisible wall that just magically prevents me from doing stuff. But after all the pain I had, I'm just thankful that the days are so much more peaceful, at least my body can get the rest it needs now. I know I've said a lot of this stuff before, but it helps to write it again every once in a while. It helps me organize my thoughts...
And there is good news on a medical level, my doctor was really encouraged by my blood tests and the virus levels. I'm not sure what all the numbers mean, but good things are happening. This happened about a month ago but I think about it often, it's very comforting to know that besides how I feel, there are invisible things happening in my body that are supposedly good.
So, what exactly am I gonna do when I'm better? Let me tell you: I'm gonna get so drunk for like a week straight and drink so much tequila I'm gonna forget my name and wake up in some gutter in Mexico.
No, no I won't do that, but I should...
A certain thought keeps coming to mind, I don't know where I read it, but I think it's part of the Buddha's teachings: all suffering stems from desire. I guess it's a good thing to keep in mind.