Paris Hilton: Going to Jail...

Paris Hilton is headed to the slammer. Really. Truly. No lie. I promise this isn't any of my usual chicanery.

She is going to jail for, get this: 45 days! I know, I know, that's a lot of hard time to serve. I feel sorry for her, but you know who I feel really truly sorry for? Us. The public, the regular folks, you and me, people whose joy absolutely hinges on witnessing her celebrity antics day in and day out.

Paris will be ok. She will be able to entertain herself in jail, I dunno, probably by counting money or snorting coke or doing something awesome like that. But us, how, just how in the hell are we going to entertain ourselves during her jail time? We've always relied on Paris for entertainment, for joy, for happiness. And unlike Paris, we don't have millions of dollars that we can spend our time counting, nor do we have bags of coke lying around. Actually, I did have bags of coke lying around a while back, but my dog found the bags and flushed them down the toilet. That's what I get for owning a German Shepherd, a goddamn crime-fighting superhero police dog...

And you know what the saddest part of all this is? We never truly appreciated how blessed we were when Paris was free and out of jail, able to entertain us with her constant antics, day in and day out, 24/7. We became jaded and blasé, dare I say, we almost had TOO much Paris (but really, we all know that that's impossible!). So, for those 45 days that Paris is locked up, we will come to appreciate her greatness, we will never again take her antics for granted...

And I'm trying to tell myself that there is a glimmer of hope, that I will make it through those 45 days of no Paris. But when I dig deep down inside, I realize, I'm just lying to myself, there really is no hope. We are all going to suffer. I'm scared... and I don't have any coke... I'm sooo screwed.

Well, I'm gonna post a video, it might mitigate your suffering... it's a fun little clip of Anna Karina dancing around, it's really quite great...

Paris Hilton. College Basketball. Victor Hugo.

Paris Hilton might be going to jail. This is terrible, shocking, malicious news. What are we going to do for all those days she's in jail? How will I find joy in my life without the colorful shenanigans of this celebrity? We need to band together and create a support group, because I have a feeling we are going to be very depressed and the coolness factor of life will get knocked down a couple notches if she ends up in jail. True story.

In other news... anyone watching the college basketball tournament? I'm torn, I don't know who to cheer for in the final, Ohio State or Florida? See, I like Ohio State's Greg Oden, but I really like Florida's Joakim Noah (because he's French? and he's the son of Yannick Noah? maybe). I was pretty sad in the first place, my school didn't make it into the tournament (I don't know if they ever have... well at least we were good in football), and Georgetown didn't make it to the final either which was sad... And the thing is, I can't watch a sports game without cheering for someone, and if I really don't care for either team I usually cheer for the underdog or whatever team has a cooler logo. Florida does have a cool logo, can't go wrong cheering for alligators, those are dangerous creatures you know, and buckeyes don't strike me as very dangerous, but who knows, maybe they are but I've never heard of a buckeye attacking a human being.

In other news... I started reading Victor Hugo's Notre-Dame de Paris. Just started so I have nothing informative to say, I'm slightly worried it might be extremely boring, but I'm taking a chance on it. I've never read any of Hugo's works, and frankly, I'm staying away from Les Miserables, not only because it's a crazy long book, but also because I've had my fill of socially conscious novels, I feel like every 2 out of 3 books I've read is all about social struggle, which is fine, but I like the occasional story about warfare, zombie attacks, and a love story sprinkled here and there.

Celebrity Gossip!!! It's Crack Baby!

Ok, I know I did a post on celeb stuff not long ago. You know what, it doesn't matter, this stuff is crackalicious.

First off, let me just laugh, and laugh so hard I won't be able to see straight or remember what was sooooo funny in the first place. Oh yeeaaah, let me get to the funny story, the story that made me laugh so hard, and I hope it makes you laugh too, but if you are more sensible than me you probably won't feel amused, likely the emotions you will experience will be fear, horror, and shock. The story is this: Paris Hilton wants kids, actually, to be more exact she wants 4 kids in 5 years!!! Well, I'll give her this, I think she'd make a better mother than Britney, of course, Britney's almost killed her baby about a million times, so that ain't saying much. And you can also credit Paris for being so ambitious, 4 kids in 5 years, that's a mighty challenge.

Nicole Ritchie with a trayful of food, YEAH RIGHT!

I find these photos of Nicole Ritchie appalling, egregious, preposterous, and deceitful. Nicole Ritchie holding a trayful of food!!! Hahaha, and I bet a rabbit can fly to the moon, well, maybe in an acid trip he could! Anyways, I truly doubt the veracity of these images, in fact, I'm 100% sure they are photoshopped, likely by her publicist. The pictures are probably as deceptive and disinformative as the pre-war intelligence we were fed on Iraq. Moreover, everybody knows food is for losers, and someone like Nicole Ritchie is way too cool to eat. I don't eat either, I'm just that cool.

Ohhhh, I Like the Hair!

Alright now, let me be nice, I've been a little acerbic and slightly malicious lately. So, what do you guys think of this look, seems like a couple stars are sporting it, like Janet Jackson and Gwen Stefani (pictured above). I actually love it! Very sexy. And I'm being serious, this isn't me being sarcastic, I really dig that look!

Need Celebrity News? Need Bill of Rights Info?

I know that you answered no to those questions. Nonetheless, I will provide you the information you do not need.

Celebrity News

I haven't been keeping up with the celebrity news lately, and I think I'm starting to suffer some wicked side effects from the withdrawal. Fortunately I was able to temper the side effects when I discovered this post on Lindsay Lohan. I like the interview she gives, she's quite honest about sleeping around, I don't think there's anything wrong with that... buuuut since it's Lindsay Lohan we better chastise her for such libertine Hollywoodized values.

And what is up with Paris, I haven't heard anything from her since she released her album. Is she in exile? Well, I do honestly hope Paris is ok, she's one of the few people who consistently makes me laugh. Wait a sec, here's something, oh, she made up with Nicole... That is so not scandalous. Booooorrringggggg.

Whoah, I don't know if I'm way behind the curve but I just found out that Britney is divorcing K-fed! I hope it's true, sure is about time. The only problem now is how is K-fed going to finance his awful but inadvertently hilarious music...

Election Stuff

Well, I hope in voting today you found an ingenious way to cheat the system (the new electronic voting machines seem to offer a wonderful opportunity to the tech savvy) and make sure your candidate won. Winning is the crux of the system, and if you don't do what you can do to make sure your guy wins, by ANY means necessary, well, I'm going to say that you shirked your patriotic duties, and frankly, you're probably a commie liberal who should move to Europe if you're not willing to cheat to win. If some commie liberal (likely a Democrat) gives you shit for trying to cheat, reference Machiavelli and punch the guy in the face.

Hmmm... About the Bill of Rights, since it's Election day I want to provide this link, it's never a bad idea to brush up on your knowledge of the US government.

Why is channel 52 so awesome?

Because it is the E channel... A channel full of entertainment, celebrities, filled with all sorts of magical, delirious, mad-cap adventures and wacky celeb beefs and sex and and backstabbing and intrigue and crime. I LOVE IT! Quite frankly, I didn't even know reality could stretch that far, until I started watching E.

So last night there was a show on this channel, all about celebrities and people who try to extort them for money. A show like this, well, I refer to it as Grade A entertainment, pure uncut glee and phantasmagoric explosions of unbelievable hilarity and naughtiness. Moreover, I learned a slew of valuable lessons. The main lesson I learned was, be careful when you make sex videos. You got a decent chance that's gonna get out one way or another. It's obvious, but I'm just saying.

I didn't make it through the whole show unfortunately. It mostly revolved around some person having lewd pictures or sex tapes of some celebrity(you'd be amazed at the variety of ways the criminals came up with such tapes or pics, sometimes it's even your husband who has a sex tape and extorts you!!!!). The best was seeing Joe Francis(the guy who does Girls Gone Wild) get humiliated in his extortion case. That guy is a slimeball so I don't feel too much shame in seeing him embarrassed.

Thank you Paris.

Paris has broken the celeb monotony. At least, in a minor way she has.

Paris on her new album:"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."

Do I need to add anything to that. Was that scripted? It's too funny. Paris is once again pushing the envelope, teaching artists and any sort of creative person(heck anyone for that matter) that modesty and humility are qualities that can now be considered trashy, not hot, worthless and completely unredeeming.

Unfortunately I'm sure she's playing up to that dumb girl image she's cultivated. She knows that lines like that are pure gold. I'm serious, I bet she's a whole lot smarter than anyone thinks.

What's up celebrities?

Ok. I'm going to admit it. I'm seriously pissed. Other than the Tom Cruise thing the past couple of days(which I think was kind of lame anyways), the going's been a bit slow with celebrity news. Can we just have one awesome insane incident, like, right NOW!? What the hell are the celebrities doing? Have they become so domesticated, sipping their orange mocha frappuchinos that they forgot how to do all the awful things that make them great? Here I am, not feeling too well, with the knowledge that a terrible celebrity scandal would totally make my day. Now, I do feel it in my bones, I know there is something coming, something really crazy, weird, something so outlandish and hilarious that we will never again be able to forsake said celebrities' movies and products from here on in to the end of our days. This crazy incident is in the air.

Nonetheless, the lack of publicly released sex videos, documented outbursts and threats against various cultures, and rehab stints due to massive intakes of drugs and alchohol is, well, it's surprising and disappointing. Celebs get a boatload of money so they have free time to entertain us with their antics, don't let them forget it. As you chastise them for their antics, always remember to secretly thank them and keep paying to watch their movies and buy their tell-all autobiographies. They need that money to keep supporting their scandal filled leisure lives. Oh American celebrities, your scandals and ridiculousness are unrivalled and unparalleled in the modern era. Thank you for pushing the envelope.

On TV: Celeb Beefs vs. Airplane Tragedy

Lindsay Lohan!!!!! vs. Airplane Crash

Lately I've been cultivating various things to fear because not only am I really bored, but it's kind of an entertaining way to occupy myself, although it could be considered slightly morbid and twisted. Whatever...

Of course I talked about Chernobyl in my previous posts. Well, last night I started getting my terrible headaches, and the only thing that really occupies me during those episodes is a good dosage of tv. So lo and behold I find myself alternating between two channels, VH1's Celebrity Beefs and the Discovery Channel's recounting of TWA's Flight 800 crash. Did I have to temper the tragedy of the airplane crash with a good dose of celebrity craziness? I don't know, but probably so.

Anyways, I learned a lot last night. I don't really want to fly anymore, although if I was logical, I really wouldn't want to drive anymore.

Secondly, I learned that celebrity beefs are just plain awesome. They make no sense and are pretty random, I guess celebrity beefs are a symptom of our post-modern age in which the crazier and more ridiculous things are, well the better off we all are because that IS true entertainment. By the way, GO LINDSAY LOHAN! You would totally kick Hillary Duff's ass.

I am going to SEND a major message, I will only consume the craziest, most nonsensical kinds of media, especially with what I watch on tv, because the crazier things are on tv, maybe fewer people will actually be influenced by what programs show and say. I'm stopping to think about that last thought, and realize that is some serious optimism on my part. Sorry, this whole paragraph was really condescending.

PS. Thank you tv. My consumption of your shows has allowed me to expand my fear in nearly all facets of my life. I consider my tv viewing last night to have been the cornerstone of a productive and successful evening.

Things I'm fearing at the moment:
1. Getting eaten by a shark
2. Getting eaten by a crocodile(by the way, I've had a discussion with somebody that couldn't be resolved, which would be worse, fear #1. occuring or fear #2?)
3. Terrorists
4. Serial killers, specially the sniper variety
5. Nuclear explosion
6. Disease
7. Flying

Mel Gibson

I'm not usually a huge fan of Time Magazine, but the other day I read a great article on Mel Gibson by Joel Stein. Here it is, Maybe We Should Just Make Mel Happy.

I don't know what's up with me lately. Since I've been sick it's hard to do real things, so I think I've been escaping from reality by loading up on celeb news. I guess I'm just pandering to some weird part of my brain that has hijacked the rest of my mind.