An Adventure

It's night time. I just took some pictures outside, I'll post them later. Let me tell you about my adventure outside...

Obviously, it was dangerous taking all these pictures at night, since night time is when all the monsters come out of their tree hollows and underground warrens. Sometimes even Paris Hilton comes out at night (she lives with the monsters). Sure enough, tonight I ran into Paris. Before I could run away she grabbed my arm and started talking about all sorts of boring things. For some reason she started talking about a lady that went by the name of Hildegard of Bingen.

So, Paris is talking about Hildegard like I'm supposed to know who this is and I nod and throw in lots of non-committal phrases to act like I follow but really I have no clue who Hildegard of Bingen is and I feel a little guilty acting like I know who Hildegard is but you know what? Lying is always good fun... lying is like a ballet, and I, in my attempt to achieve masterful lying, I shoot for greatness, and try to emulate and duplicate the mastery and artistry of the greatest of all the ballet dancers, the most bedazzling, nimble-footed, eye-blindingly great dancer the world has ever seen, Nikita Khrushchev. What a beautiful man.

Anyways. Even though I'm enjoying lying my ass off, I really want to cut this boring conversation short. I tell Paris that I have a searing, grappling hooks in the back of my brain kinda headache. Paris is insulted, but I couldn't care less.

I escape from Paris and in a flash I'm back inside the house and jump on the computer and google Hildegard of Bingen, because who knows, maybe she is single and I sure would love having a girlfriend by the name of Hildegard, that's for sure. Fortunately there's a Wikipedia entry and I find out that Hildegard is descended from T-rexes, is a very good tennis player, enjoys men who drive Ford Tauruses and benchpress 13 pounds. I also learn that she aided the duckbill platypuses in their attempt to take over the world (this is the first attempt I'm talking about, back in 1146 CE). It also turns out Hildegard is very famous for having visions.

When I find out about the visions, I decide I don't want to date Hildegard anymore. My heart is crushed, I had such dreams for us: a little house in the country, surrounded by a white picket fence, talking moose in the backyard, 2 ton elephants who would stay in the upstairs bedroom and hopefully they would indulge me and play Monopoly with me but always let me win... and we would have had rules in the house, honest good rules, like no chainsaws inside the living room, no circular saws inside the bedrooms, and most importantly, everyone would have to be armed with machetes at all times. It was going to be perfect. And then Hildegard ruined it all by turning out to be a psycho. It's going to take me a while to get over this, talk about a huge blow. Speaking of blow, let me just pull out a credit card here so I can straighten out a morale boosting fix me up...

Flash forward a couple minutes. At this point, I've recovered from my shocking discovery of Hildegard's visions and I'm feeling good again. I step back outside and am relieved to see that Paris has disappeared. Out of the corner of my eye I notice several monsters standing a ways off, and they seem to be conversing in Mandarin, very loudly. I silently approach and listen in (yes, I understand Mandarin!). Turns out they are talking about Gilles de Rais. Gilles is a man famous for his reality show... he also runs a very successful pastry business, his most popular pastry is fashioned in the form of a severed head. It's grisly but the public loves it and keeps him in business because of it. Gilles de Rais also enjoys duck hunting and breaking thousands upon thousands of sunglasses in his spare time.

I try and interject and join the monsters' conversation, mostly because I want to show off my huge knowledge. I mentioned a couple facts about Gilles earlier, but I also know that he is connected to Joan of Arc (or, as the French affectionately call her, J-dog), they both fought battles together... so I pipe up and say how awesome it was that Joan of Arc, a woman warrior, along with Gilles de Rais defeated the evil Spongebob Squarepants at the battle of Chop Everyone's Head Off (of course, it goes without saying that this historical battle happened back when Spongebob Squarepants was a real person and not a figment of the tv's imagination).

As I finish speaking about Joan of Arc and her great victory, all the monsters start laughing hysterically. One monster, a fellow with red horns and a big fangy smile, takes a pause from his laughter to tell me, "Joan of Arc!? She wasn't a woman! She wasn't even a human being! Joan of Arc was the name of a flying schoolbus that crashed into a cloud and came crashing down to earth and somehow in the process magically transformed into an anteater. Hence, your mentioning Joan of Arc has nothing to do with anything, and proves you have no knowledge, and that's why we are all laughing so hard!"

Shocked and utterly embarrassed by this revelation, I decide I must redeem myself. I boast, "I'm totally knowledgeable. I got lots of knowledge. In fact, I'm super knowledgeable. Let me prove it to you." To their amazement I recite the multiplication table up to 3X3, and then I also explain the history and origin of coffee mugs. All my knowledge sure shut them up. And I knew, from that moment forward, I would always get the respect I deserved for being super knowledgeable like I always knew I was.

By the way, here's a picture of Joan of Arc in her most current form...