Trouble In Paris-dise.

Sorry I haven't been around, I've had a bit of a rough patch with my health (it happens, but fortunately my bad periods aren't as bad nor as long as they used to be). I will be visiting blogs soon! And I can't tell you how much I appreciate your concern and kind words and comments and everything.

But the truth is, it's not my illness that's making me suffer. The source of my pain comes from something so terrible and so tragic I hesitate to even write about it. I'm sure you can guess what is causing me all this pain:

The Paris Hilton situation.

It's really weighing on me. I mean, can you believe it? Paris has been sent back to jail! For a brief moment, we all thought she had escaped and we were all ecstatic. We all began to believe in God again. With his divine intervention he had helped Paris beat the system and reaffirmed our belief that good people always come out on top. Or so we all thought. In fact, her brief escape only made the hammer come down harder on her poor suffering millionaire soul. So now she has been sent back to jail and she is supposed to serve something like 40 days in jail! How ridiculously unfair.

But I guess Paris should feel lucky that she doesn't live in a place like late 18th century Paris where she would have likely suffered a fate comparable to Marie Antoinette's gruesome beheading. Late 18th century France was not a good time to be an aristocrat.

But the crux of the matter is that I suffer because Paris suffers. Actually, I also suffer because my dog keeps drinking from the toilet and then he sneaks over to where I am and licks me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

I Saw a Lizard. Patterns in Nature. Deadly Squirrels. Paris Hilton. Georges Brassens.

Something very important happened the other day. I saw a lizard. I was so sure you wouldn't believe me that I took a picture (the one above). It's a cool little creature, in my opinion, and I like the diamondy pattern on its skin. I hope it doesn't get eaten by a snake.

Speaking of patterns...

I love how nature is made of patterns, very different sorts of patterns, like color patterns, patterns based on shape and form, textural patterns, sound patterns, patterns in movement... and these patterns can be seen in everything, like branches, weather, stars, leaves, grass, animals, clouds, rain, water, trees, etc., etc. I remember someone telling me that paintings of nature were nice and everything, but that really, the truest way to capture nature was through music. And when I look at the natural world, and I see all those patterns, what that person told me made a lot of sense, but at the same time, there really isn't any way to capture the complexity and beauty of the natural world (which is kind of obvious!)...

So, I think we established the fact that I think nature is pretty cool. But it can be pretty evil too. For instance, did you hear about the killer squirrels in Denver? Contrary to those first images that pop into your mind, these squirrels aren't walking around with machetes chopping peoples' heads off. No, the truth is much more terrible. Turns out, these killer squirrels have the plague, aka, the Black Death, and they can transfer it to humans!!! I always knew squirrels were evil, and this evidence only further proves how right I am in fearing these evil, demonic, Black Death giving creatures...

In other news, I was watching one of my favorite channels, E, and I learned that Paris' jail sentence has been reduced to 23 days! I'm not sure how I feel about that... I have to admit, I'm very curious, I'd like to see how much money she's going to be able to be make from her jail stint. Somehow, every thing she does makes her richer.

Lastly, I'm gonna post another French song, Aupres de Mon Arbre by Georges Brassens. It's one of my favorites, very cool song, hope you enjoy it...

Paris Hilton: Going to Jail...

Paris Hilton is headed to the slammer. Really. Truly. No lie. I promise this isn't any of my usual chicanery.

She is going to jail for, get this: 45 days! I know, I know, that's a lot of hard time to serve. I feel sorry for her, but you know who I feel really truly sorry for? Us. The public, the regular folks, you and me, people whose joy absolutely hinges on witnessing her celebrity antics day in and day out.

Paris will be ok. She will be able to entertain herself in jail, I dunno, probably by counting money or snorting coke or doing something awesome like that. But us, how, just how in the hell are we going to entertain ourselves during her jail time? We've always relied on Paris for entertainment, for joy, for happiness. And unlike Paris, we don't have millions of dollars that we can spend our time counting, nor do we have bags of coke lying around. Actually, I did have bags of coke lying around a while back, but my dog found the bags and flushed them down the toilet. That's what I get for owning a German Shepherd, a goddamn crime-fighting superhero police dog...

And you know what the saddest part of all this is? We never truly appreciated how blessed we were when Paris was free and out of jail, able to entertain us with her constant antics, day in and day out, 24/7. We became jaded and blasé, dare I say, we almost had TOO much Paris (but really, we all know that that's impossible!). So, for those 45 days that Paris is locked up, we will come to appreciate her greatness, we will never again take her antics for granted...

And I'm trying to tell myself that there is a glimmer of hope, that I will make it through those 45 days of no Paris. But when I dig deep down inside, I realize, I'm just lying to myself, there really is no hope. We are all going to suffer. I'm scared... and I don't have any coke... I'm sooo screwed.

Well, I'm gonna post a video, it might mitigate your suffering... it's a fun little clip of Anna Karina dancing around, it's really quite great...

An Adventure

It's night time. I just took some pictures outside, I'll post them later. Let me tell you about my adventure outside...

Obviously, it was dangerous taking all these pictures at night, since night time is when all the monsters come out of their tree hollows and underground warrens. Sometimes even Paris Hilton comes out at night (she lives with the monsters). Sure enough, tonight I ran into Paris. Before I could run away she grabbed my arm and started talking about all sorts of boring things. For some reason she started talking about a lady that went by the name of Hildegard of Bingen.

So, Paris is talking about Hildegard like I'm supposed to know who this is and I nod and throw in lots of non-committal phrases to act like I follow but really I have no clue who Hildegard of Bingen is and I feel a little guilty acting like I know who Hildegard is but you know what? Lying is always good fun... lying is like a ballet, and I, in my attempt to achieve masterful lying, I shoot for greatness, and try to emulate and duplicate the mastery and artistry of the greatest of all the ballet dancers, the most bedazzling, nimble-footed, eye-blindingly great dancer the world has ever seen, Nikita Khrushchev. What a beautiful man.

Anyways. Even though I'm enjoying lying my ass off, I really want to cut this boring conversation short. I tell Paris that I have a searing, grappling hooks in the back of my brain kinda headache. Paris is insulted, but I couldn't care less.

I escape from Paris and in a flash I'm back inside the house and jump on the computer and google Hildegard of Bingen, because who knows, maybe she is single and I sure would love having a girlfriend by the name of Hildegard, that's for sure. Fortunately there's a Wikipedia entry and I find out that Hildegard is descended from T-rexes, is a very good tennis player, enjoys men who drive Ford Tauruses and benchpress 13 pounds. I also learn that she aided the duckbill platypuses in their attempt to take over the world (this is the first attempt I'm talking about, back in 1146 CE). It also turns out Hildegard is very famous for having visions.

When I find out about the visions, I decide I don't want to date Hildegard anymore. My heart is crushed, I had such dreams for us: a little house in the country, surrounded by a white picket fence, talking moose in the backyard, 2 ton elephants who would stay in the upstairs bedroom and hopefully they would indulge me and play Monopoly with me but always let me win... and we would have had rules in the house, honest good rules, like no chainsaws inside the living room, no circular saws inside the bedrooms, and most importantly, everyone would have to be armed with machetes at all times. It was going to be perfect. And then Hildegard ruined it all by turning out to be a psycho. It's going to take me a while to get over this, talk about a huge blow. Speaking of blow, let me just pull out a credit card here so I can straighten out a morale boosting fix me up...

Flash forward a couple minutes. At this point, I've recovered from my shocking discovery of Hildegard's visions and I'm feeling good again. I step back outside and am relieved to see that Paris has disappeared. Out of the corner of my eye I notice several monsters standing a ways off, and they seem to be conversing in Mandarin, very loudly. I silently approach and listen in (yes, I understand Mandarin!). Turns out they are talking about Gilles de Rais. Gilles is a man famous for his reality show... he also runs a very successful pastry business, his most popular pastry is fashioned in the form of a severed head. It's grisly but the public loves it and keeps him in business because of it. Gilles de Rais also enjoys duck hunting and breaking thousands upon thousands of sunglasses in his spare time.

I try and interject and join the monsters' conversation, mostly because I want to show off my huge knowledge. I mentioned a couple facts about Gilles earlier, but I also know that he is connected to Joan of Arc (or, as the French affectionately call her, J-dog), they both fought battles together... so I pipe up and say how awesome it was that Joan of Arc, a woman warrior, along with Gilles de Rais defeated the evil Spongebob Squarepants at the battle of Chop Everyone's Head Off (of course, it goes without saying that this historical battle happened back when Spongebob Squarepants was a real person and not a figment of the tv's imagination).

As I finish speaking about Joan of Arc and her great victory, all the monsters start laughing hysterically. One monster, a fellow with red horns and a big fangy smile, takes a pause from his laughter to tell me, "Joan of Arc!? She wasn't a woman! She wasn't even a human being! Joan of Arc was the name of a flying schoolbus that crashed into a cloud and came crashing down to earth and somehow in the process magically transformed into an anteater. Hence, your mentioning Joan of Arc has nothing to do with anything, and proves you have no knowledge, and that's why we are all laughing so hard!"

Shocked and utterly embarrassed by this revelation, I decide I must redeem myself. I boast, "I'm totally knowledgeable. I got lots of knowledge. In fact, I'm super knowledgeable. Let me prove it to you." To their amazement I recite the multiplication table up to 3X3, and then I also explain the history and origin of coffee mugs. All my knowledge sure shut them up. And I knew, from that moment forward, I would always get the respect I deserved for being super knowledgeable like I always knew I was.

By the way, here's a picture of Joan of Arc in her most current form...

Paris Hilton. College Basketball. Victor Hugo.

Paris Hilton might be going to jail. This is terrible, shocking, malicious news. What are we going to do for all those days she's in jail? How will I find joy in my life without the colorful shenanigans of this celebrity? We need to band together and create a support group, because I have a feeling we are going to be very depressed and the coolness factor of life will get knocked down a couple notches if she ends up in jail. True story.

In other news... anyone watching the college basketball tournament? I'm torn, I don't know who to cheer for in the final, Ohio State or Florida? See, I like Ohio State's Greg Oden, but I really like Florida's Joakim Noah (because he's French? and he's the son of Yannick Noah? maybe). I was pretty sad in the first place, my school didn't make it into the tournament (I don't know if they ever have... well at least we were good in football), and Georgetown didn't make it to the final either which was sad... And the thing is, I can't watch a sports game without cheering for someone, and if I really don't care for either team I usually cheer for the underdog or whatever team has a cooler logo. Florida does have a cool logo, can't go wrong cheering for alligators, those are dangerous creatures you know, and buckeyes don't strike me as very dangerous, but who knows, maybe they are but I've never heard of a buckeye attacking a human being.

In other news... I started reading Victor Hugo's Notre-Dame de Paris. Just started so I have nothing informative to say, I'm slightly worried it might be extremely boring, but I'm taking a chance on it. I've never read any of Hugo's works, and frankly, I'm staying away from Les Miserables, not only because it's a crazy long book, but also because I've had my fill of socially conscious novels, I feel like every 2 out of 3 books I've read is all about social struggle, which is fine, but I like the occasional story about warfare, zombie attacks, and a love story sprinkled here and there.

Television. It's Great.

Ok, I haven't spent much time today on the computer, so I'm a bit behind on the blogs. I've been trying to rest because my body is so tired from all the damn headaches... but there is good news from all this resting. It means I watched lots of television. And watching television means I learned tons of kickass shit.

And I suppose this a bit of a rant, but hey, I've felt like pretty bad these past weeks so I'm allowed!

First off, I watched a lot of celebrity stuff. Which allowed me to find out that Sandra Bullock has a new movie coming out. The movie's premise made me laugh because it's been done about a zillion times, you know, stuff about reliving the same day. The movie is called Premonition, and I'm not going to say I have a premonition about how crappy this movie is going to be because that is such an obvious joke to make. I guess I just did. Oh well.

Secondly. I feel like my mind is hallucinating, like I took acid and I'm seeing machete wielding tyrannasaurus rexes who are wearing bandanas and sporting gnarly tattoos, because I can't believe what I'm seeing on tv. Is that show about Hugh Hefner's girlfriends for real (it's called The Girls Next Door)? I don't get it. Is that show a joke, or a parody of a parody, because it's as ridiculous, boring, and as insanely stupid as anything I've ever seen. Yet, somehow all those things combine to make it a great, captivating show! And I'm a huge fan of Kendra, the sporty chick... But seriously, I can't figure out if that show is made by left wing anti-capitalists who are trying to show us the perils of our consumer/sex obsessed society... because you couldn't make a better argument against the pitfalls of capitalism than you could with that show. I feel like behind the show's facade is a thick layer of irony... I bet it's produced by Noam Chomsky.

And the thought of Hef banging all those 20 something foxes, there is something so icky and twisted about that. Well, he's from Chicago, so his show gets a pass in my book, but just barely.

The Hef show is almost as ridiculous as that Flavor Flav show I saw a while back. But Flavor Flav is slightly more hilarious, and he gave out giant clocks. Giant clocks are always awesome and that's what made Flav's show a smashing success in my eyes. And I also learned that money buys love from that show. Which is a good thing to know, and it's a rule that Hef's show certainly reinforced.

Unfortunately, in all my tv viewing, I didn't catch any news on Paris Hilton. I love Paris. She is a true guilty pleasure for me. And I have a feeling she goes home at night and studies St. Augustine or something spiritual and intellectual like that. She is deeper than we think. You know what, I bet she also reads Noam Chomsky at night and she's the producer/force behind the anti-capitalistic Hefner show. It all makes sense.

I also saw a movie called Layer Cake featuring Daniel Craig. Actually I only saw the second half of the movie, and I had no freakin' clue what was going on. One guy gets his head chopped off which is then put in a freezer box, I have no clue why they chopped his head off, probably running his mouth off or something. Maybe he was a rat. Rats deserve to have their heads put in ice boxes. Which reminds me I need to get one of those Don't Snitch t-shirts.

Anyways. I was surprised when some random guy randomnly and much to my chagrin gets a bullet between the eyes. Which was sad but I didn't have the time to mourn the loss of this random character, because all of a sudden Craig is about to have sex with a nice looking blonde, which refocuses my attention away from guy with bullet in head to hot steamy sex with foxy blonde. But the idiot director decides to cut this sex scene short because Craig gets kidnapped by a bunch of random spoilsports (probably jealous of Craig being with the foxy blonde I assume) and then some old guy offers Craig money for drugs but you know the old guy is gonna screw him so then lots of people get shot and I have no clue what this movie was about. And the SWAT team is in cahoots with the bad guys which is great I guess.

I may have mixed up facts and sequences of the movie. But all I know is that the violence was certainly wonderful and executed at a very high level of sadisticness. But the sex wasn't nearly enough, specially considering the one sex scene I saw was interrupted by that stupid kidnapping. And sex counts in my book.

I'm never going to let my kids watch tv. Well, I'll let them, but only if they watch with wry smiles on their faces.

Celebrity Gossip!!! It's Crack Baby!

Ok, I know I did a post on celeb stuff not long ago. You know what, it doesn't matter, this stuff is crackalicious.

First off, let me just laugh, and laugh so hard I won't be able to see straight or remember what was sooooo funny in the first place. Oh yeeaaah, let me get to the funny story, the story that made me laugh so hard, and I hope it makes you laugh too, but if you are more sensible than me you probably won't feel amused, likely the emotions you will experience will be fear, horror, and shock. The story is this: Paris Hilton wants kids, actually, to be more exact she wants 4 kids in 5 years!!! Well, I'll give her this, I think she'd make a better mother than Britney, of course, Britney's almost killed her baby about a million times, so that ain't saying much. And you can also credit Paris for being so ambitious, 4 kids in 5 years, that's a mighty challenge.

Nicole Ritchie with a trayful of food, YEAH RIGHT!

I find these photos of Nicole Ritchie appalling, egregious, preposterous, and deceitful. Nicole Ritchie holding a trayful of food!!! Hahaha, and I bet a rabbit can fly to the moon, well, maybe in an acid trip he could! Anyways, I truly doubt the veracity of these images, in fact, I'm 100% sure they are photoshopped, likely by her publicist. The pictures are probably as deceptive and disinformative as the pre-war intelligence we were fed on Iraq. Moreover, everybody knows food is for losers, and someone like Nicole Ritchie is way too cool to eat. I don't eat either, I'm just that cool.

Ohhhh, I Like the Hair!

Alright now, let me be nice, I've been a little acerbic and slightly malicious lately. So, what do you guys think of this look, seems like a couple stars are sporting it, like Janet Jackson and Gwen Stefani (pictured above). I actually love it! Very sexy. And I'm being serious, this isn't me being sarcastic, I really dig that look!

Celeb and Sports News (You Know You Need This! Seriously, Don't Act Like You Don't!)

Celebrity News

In fun celebrity news, Britney is just plunging into the single life with gusto. She's now hanging out with Paris Hilton too, haha, I would pay money to hear the conversation that goes on between those two!

In more Paris news, I also heard somewhere that Paris and Lindsay Lohan got into a fight, with Paris supposedly hitting Lindsay. What do these people have to fight about, I don't really get that, unless it's just to get more publicity and attention. Who knows why? Well, I guess if I had the trifecta going (young, rich, and famous) I'd do my fair share of hotel room trashing, I'd probably also be sucker punching unsuspecting rival celebrities I was jealous of, I'd also have to do a lot, lots lots lots of drugs, I'd also have to reserve a couple hours a day so I could stare at photos of myself and revel in my own beauty, my favorite would probably be creating false gossip (that would be fun!), and just being glamorous, I suppose. I just spend a lot of time wondering, if I were a celebrity, what would my drug of choice be? Seems like LSD could be nice, but nobody is doing that nowadays. Cocaine seems to be exhilarating, not to mention fashionable and chic... Marijuana is a bit too far down on the totem pole for consideration, although I think Paris was caught with some (which would certainly make marijuana fashionable to smoke once again). Quite frankly, alcohol seems to be the drug choice for celebrities with absolutely no imagination. Heroin, now that was in style, but probably about 10 years ago right? Whatever happened to the heroin chic... seems like a good thing that faded into history, but I guess models are as thin and sickly looking as ever, with or without heroin. Hopefully they get some rules in the modeling industry, those young girls get manipulated by the agencies... they have no choice but to be rail thin. What in God's name am I talking about!!!!

And I also heard this (I watched the E channel yesterday!, that's why I know all this!), Lindsay Lohan is attending AA meetings. Hopefully she'll be ok, I kind of have a soft spot for her after seeing her in Freaky Friday... Which reminds me, I still need to see the Parent Trap...

Sports

In a sense it's unfortunate, when I feel better I start doing more productive things and forget to focus on the things that matter in life. The things that matter? Well, celebrity gossip and sports of course! I can't believe I missed the Patriots/Bears game last Sunday, I had to check today to see who won (the Patriots)! I don't know who's playing this week in NFL games, although I did atone for my lack of watching sports last night by watching part of the Suns' game (they won! and Amare played really well!).

Need Celebrity News? Need Bill of Rights Info?

I know that you answered no to those questions. Nonetheless, I will provide you the information you do not need.

Celebrity News

I haven't been keeping up with the celebrity news lately, and I think I'm starting to suffer some wicked side effects from the withdrawal. Fortunately I was able to temper the side effects when I discovered this post on Lindsay Lohan. I like the interview she gives, she's quite honest about sleeping around, I don't think there's anything wrong with that... buuuut since it's Lindsay Lohan we better chastise her for such libertine Hollywoodized values.

And what is up with Paris, I haven't heard anything from her since she released her album. Is she in exile? Well, I do honestly hope Paris is ok, she's one of the few people who consistently makes me laugh. Wait a sec, here's something, oh, she made up with Nicole... That is so not scandalous. Booooorrringggggg.

Whoah, I don't know if I'm way behind the curve but I just found out that Britney is divorcing K-fed! I hope it's true, sure is about time. The only problem now is how is K-fed going to finance his awful but inadvertently hilarious music...

Election Stuff

Well, I hope in voting today you found an ingenious way to cheat the system (the new electronic voting machines seem to offer a wonderful opportunity to the tech savvy) and make sure your candidate won. Winning is the crux of the system, and if you don't do what you can do to make sure your guy wins, by ANY means necessary, well, I'm going to say that you shirked your patriotic duties, and frankly, you're probably a commie liberal who should move to Europe if you're not willing to cheat to win. If some commie liberal (likely a Democrat) gives you shit for trying to cheat, reference Machiavelli and punch the guy in the face.

Hmmm... About the Bill of Rights, since it's Election day I want to provide this link, it's never a bad idea to brush up on your knowledge of the US government.

Photoshop Tutorials Must Die, Paris Hilton, and a Disappearing Cat

I found this pretty cool looking photoshop tutorial. You start with any basic image of a person and turn it into a Roy Lichtensteinesque image. Cool, no? The tutorial makes it look so easy, but of course I'm running into some problem now. The problem is I can't figure out what the problem is! I think I'll try and work on it tomorrow if I feel up to it, the annoying part about this is that it's not often I feel well enough to do stuff on photoshop... Rest assured, I will triumph over this bullshit tutorial and create my own Lichenstein like art!!!! Why you ask? Well, I don't know, it just seems like a nice way to amuse myself.

• Paris Hilton News plus Dita Von Teese: I was getting a bit worried about Paris, she hadn't been in the news for a while, so I was begining to wonder if something had happened to her! Fortunately this delightful story popped up, fully reassuring me that Paris is alive and keeping on with the drama. While you're at Haute Gossip's website, check out the pics of Scarlett Johannson and Dita Von Teese, very very nice.
  
• In other news: I saw this really cool disappearing cat video. The cat looks like it gets teleported, the article accompanying the video explains how to set up this trick, there are a lot of mirrors involved. Now that I think about it, this whole thing is probably a fake but it's fun to think that it's real :)
  

Thank you Paris.

Paris has broken the celeb monotony. At least, in a minor way she has.

Paris on her new album:"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."

Do I need to add anything to that. Was that scripted? It's too funny. Paris is once again pushing the envelope, teaching artists and any sort of creative person(heck anyone for that matter) that modesty and humility are qualities that can now be considered trashy, not hot, worthless and completely unredeeming.

Unfortunately I'm sure she's playing up to that dumb girl image she's cultivated. She knows that lines like that are pure gold. I'm serious, I bet she's a whole lot smarter than anyone thinks.