Monday, November 13, 2006

I'm Going to Be Candid With You, This Is About Memories and Illness (yawn, booorrriiinnnggg)

I've never been a nostalgic person, but being ill has certainly changed that a bit. There are times where my mind just wanders, where it haphazardly zeroes in on some past memories. These memories play out in my mind (uh, like where else are they gonna play out!), sometimes the memories are slightly edited (like that memory where I walk into a restaurant and get revenge on 15 mafioso types and crooked cops who tried to screw me...15 minutes later I walk out of the restaurant with a wry smile on my face, a couple bloodspots on my fancy shirt indicate a fight has taken place, a pool of blood flows out from under the door. Ahhh, those were the happy, halcyon days of yore!!!).

Sorry, I lost my line of thought, I just really get into that kickass Dirty Harryish memory I was telling you about. I really gave it to those bad guys.

Yes, our memories tend to fuzz up the details, but that's the nature of memories I guess, they shift and transform themselves depending on your mood and circumstances. Sometimes the memories are tough for me, it's a tough pill to swallow, remembering being healthy, remembering good times, sometimes even remembering the bad times can make me wistful for the bygone days where life wasn't limited by illness. At times when I feel really sick and I'm in pain, any and all memories are like acid, they eat up my insides in the most terrible gut wrenching ways...

It's been easier lately because I know I'm going to get better, before I felt so sick, the illness felt so endless, so insurmountable, the pain was excruciating... The memories just felt like distant mirages, cruel little vignettes that reminded me of what I once was, something I might never have again... And believe me, I'm still incredibly scared, I won't breathe easy until the day I'm back to my old self.

I truly believe whenever my illness is over I'll look back on this whole godforsaken period as a gift, a transformative period, an experience that broke me down and melted me all the way down to my core, only to transform me into a stronger and better element (don't you love corny metaphors!). Uhh, these are the things I tell myself at least, haha, how else can you get through such a difficult experience! But seriously, I feel like I've discovered strength within myself, strength I never imagined I had... and for that I am extremely thankful, this strength keeps my mind stable (yes, it really is in spite of what you might think!!!), keeps me optimistic, keeps me happy...

Anyways, although many of my friends/ family think this whole illness is a terrible trick played upon me, a sad unlucky experience for me to go through, I know in my heart that I am very lucky. I'm not the only one suffering, I don't have a monopoly on that, all I can do is do my best, find inspiration in any nook and cranny I can... And I never ever forget how blessed I am, with family and friends, with people that love me and that I love...

Moreover, my love of life has only increased because of this experience. My love of people, my family, friends, the world, I find myself with a deeper appreciation of lots of things (like violent movies especially). I'm thankful every day, I'm still alive, I'm going to get better, I've got a wonderful family, I might have a wonderful dog soon!, I think of the crazy amount of painting I'm going to do when I'm better, I think of visiting my grandparents in France, I think of riding my bike, I think of laughing with friends, I think of executing Rambo style revenge on all those people that dissed me while I was down (yes, some have taken cheap shots, those bastards! Actually I could care less what they think, I just have fun thinking of vendettas, they make me laugh), I think of freedom baby!

11 comments:

MrManuel said...

Very well thought out post. Good job!

People in the Sun said...

By the way, I've read your blog before but haven't said that yet: I wish you well. I hope in the near future, when you regain your strength, you will miss the days of sitting by the computer and writing and reading. I hope you find a terrible, distracting job with terrible co-workers and I hope that will make you look back at your sick days with sincere nostalgia. And I hope you get a Pit Bull, but I'll accept other dogs, as long as they're medium-sized and up.

Good luck.

Mariana said...

When you reminisced about your Dirty Harry vendetta I had this mental picture of that girl in Tarantino's "Jackie brown", the one on TV who said she loved her riffle. Give them hell, I say! Here's hoping you're back to health in no time. BTW are your grandparents French or do they just live there?

Sebastien said...

Mrmanuel: Thank you so much. It feels so good to explain myself sometimes...

People in the Sun: Thank you so much for the well wishing, it really means a lot! Haha, I hope you are right about the nostalgia I'll have for this (well, not really!)... Oh, Pit Bull would be fun, yes yes we're getting a German Shepherd if we get a dog, you will be thoroughly pleased!!!

Mariana: Haha, I love that video with those girls and guns, that was awesome!!! Tear dripping down my cheek as I think about having such an awesome girlfriend as one of those girls in the video, I want a girlfriend who takes pleasure in firing an AK-47 while wearing a bikini. That's hot!
Yeah my family is French, I am French, and I miss my grandparents, but my mom's mom is coming to visit soon!!!!

nicole said...

First off, glad that you're going to get better. Your illness always has me worried. :( :)

Second, funny you should mention how our memories fuzz up the facts. On one of those same forensic shows I mentioned earlier, one of the investigators talked about how dangerous eyewitness testimony can be because people can't be counted on to accurately recall details. Way too many innocent people are still behind bars.

Sorry for rambling about something that was BARELY related to your post. ;)

Sebastien said...

Thanks Nicole :) I will definitely be better!!!

No no no don't apologize... It's so true, memory shifts and changes, we don't even realize it. Each extra time we try to remember an incident, the memory becomes a copy of a copy of a copy... ad infinitum.

So it is scary how many people are in jail based on MEMORY! Ahhh, that is scary!

imhelendt said...

you should tell your parents how a dog would help you feel better. ;) Especially a cute, yellow one!

Sonja said...

WOW Sebastien, what an excellent post! You are feeling a lot of the same things that I am with my chronic illness...a new appreciation of all things, a lot of gratitude for life, and even the illness itself for making you a stronger person! Many people don't comprehend these feelings unless they have gone through the process(Gratitude for an illness? What are you talking about?) But it's really true. I definitely feel that my compassion for others and the planet has increased since I got ill. I put myself in other people's shoes all the time and try not to judge others. Life has actually gotten better since I learned these things. I feel like we are surrounded by magic in the faces and actions of those around us if we only learn how to look for it.
I may never get totally well like you will (I attach a note of positivity to this because I don't like to hear myself say negative things - we start believing them) but I made my peace with it long ago. I'm past the "why me's". Well, why not me?
I can see that your illness has made you a very strong and kind person. I didn't know you before, and I'm sure the root of kindness was in you before. But it seems to me like you have really cultivated it. I wish we lived closer as I would love to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with you!
Your bud,
Sonja

Sebastien said...

Helen: Hahaha, I'm not sure I can take psycho dog off your hands, although I'd love to!!!

Sonja: Thank you so much for your response. I really wish we could sit down and talk, I'm sure we could share a lot of things we've been through... It's so nice hearing from someone who understands so deeply, and although sometimes it's hard explaining things, it's good because there are bound to be people who will understand! I'm so happy that you are triumphing over your obstacles, and it seems like you do it with so much cheer and aplomb, and I know it must be terribly difficult, with wickedly bad moments, but you are amazing!!!

Babs said...

Memories light the corners of my mind...la, la, la, laaaaaa, la... oh, sorry about that.
Many people don't realize how much inner strength is required to be physically ill for long periods. Fighting the thoughts of "will this ever end? Will I ever have my life back?", etc, takes huge amounts of strength. And yes, I also think a puppy would help!

Sebastien said...

Babs: You are so right. I think it is the fear in the our mind, the fear about how we have no control over our illnesses, we have no say, we don't have a 'fix' that we can do, that is the most mentally challenging thing about being ill. The uncertainty, the void, it's difficult, more difficult than can even be explained in words.