I call this whiney bitch time.
Sometimes, during my illness, there are days where I feel so tired and headachey, I can't do much of anything. Can't read, can't really watch tv(no seriously, and that is disappointing), can't do much talking on the phone...
I guess it's on these days that this illness feels interminable, like I'm being suffocated by my own body, by time, by space, by every thing. It's not depressing so much as it is infuriating. I have no control over this thing, I can't even feel well enough to occupy myself. I don't even have my dog anymore to keep me company. Sorry for the pity party, but this whole situation is difficult for me, I really am trying my best.
I'm not usually an angry person. But days where my illness effects me this much, the anger just overwhelms my mind like a wave. A friend of mine said I should get a punching bag. I totally would, but what makes me even angrier is that the physical exertion of getting my anger out on a punching bag would make me feel even sicker. Comical, but sad.
Plus, the isolation, when I'm the only person in this house, I mean, I might as well be on Mars.
In the end, there's always worse, and you know, this illness will surely let up at some point. Oh boy, I'm really building character with this whole thing, aren't I!
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4 comments:
Interesting you should mention your dog. When I had my first bout of mono I was still in school. For a couple of years I'd wanted a dog, but as soon as I got ill, there was no way I could take care of it. It happened that a science teacher at my school's wife ran a program where she took their dogs to visit the sick and terminally ill. Once a weekend for an entire year she brought a dog over for me to visit. It made a world of difference, because it bugged me terribly that I couldn't go play with my brothers.
Check to see if such a "pet program" is available in your area. Best place to start is your local hospital.
jayne d'Arcy from www.jaynedarcy.us (can't login to comment, for some reason)
Jayne, thank you for the ideas. My parents are thinking about getting another dog... Our neighbors have 3 golden retrievers, I really should see if I could spend time with them from time to time.
And thanks anomie for the comment, it's true, it will end, it just feels like forever! Cooking shows? Maybe I should watch that instead of shows about murderous street gangsters and Alcatraz.
At least you are able to keep a sense of humor about it. That's very admirable. :-) I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thanks for the kind words Julie! You know, I try and entertain myself with things that make me laugh, even when I feel really bad, because laughing has a wonderful magical quality that makes you feel better, or at least happier.
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