But I'm good.
I have so many emails to write and phone calls to return. It's really quite daunting. I don't know where to start. That's why I don't start. Is that a good reason? No, quite poor, but hey, what can you do... And it sucks, still being sick, not only is talking on the phone tiring for me, but it gets frustrating having to explain my situation to each and every person... But the problem is I really do want to talk everyone, there are lots of people I love and care about and I hope they know I'm thinking of them. I really need to call...
Anyways. The following is both an explanation for you guys, but it's also a help to me, writing this stuff down is good for me.
I'm sure lots of people wonder how I make it though the days, well, let me explain my mentality, which is the backbone of how I make it through this ordeal day in and day out:
One hugely important thing I think about is the fact that I'm still alive and that's some marvelous shit right there. Plus I think of my family and how much I love them and how I am blessed to have them help me through this. I also think about all the pain I've experienced through the past year, and I feel such joy and happiness thinking about how I'm not in pain right now. Really, it's just so ridiculously awesome not being in agonizing pain.
I also remember the improvement I've experienced with this illness. I've always felt I was going to get better, and things are improving and I always remind myself of that. Sure it's a bit slow and it's not progressing in a linear fashion, but improvement is happening.
I also remember the good memories of my life, and how I was blessed in meeting and sharing time with so many wonderful people.
I also think of the fact that I have absolutely no regrets in my life. When I was healthy I never took a day for granted and I lived every day of my life to the best of my abilities. I worked hard, tried to be a good person, and just did my best. And it is a great feeling to have, knowing that when I was healthy I didn't squander the days or waste my opportunities.
And of course I think about all the stuff I'm going to do when I'm better. Working. Projects. Sharing time with friends and family. Playing sports. Experiencing a seven day tequila binge. Learning the meaning of life (actually, I already know it, oddly enough it involves 2 flying elephants, 3 drunk gophers, a turtleneck, and a chocolate factory). I'm going to explore outer space (if I'm on a budget I'll have to consider the LSD route). And I'm going to take kung fu lessons and learn how to run up a wall and do a back flip (that would make for a great party trick).
Plus I focus on the things I'm able to accomplish during the days of my illness, no matter how small and trivial they may be. And, with each passing day, this illness doesn't weaken me, it only strengthens me mentally. I know that if I ever find success in my life, whatever success may be defined by, I know that a huge underlying reason for my success will have been the insight given to me by this illness and the struggle I've had to go through. So, instead of thinking that this illness has stolen my life, I try and think that it has opened my eyes and hopefully will help me in accomplishing my goals.
Finally, I hope this illness will have turned me into a much better person, better suited towards recognizing the needs of others, and more willing to be kind, sympathetic, helpful, and caring to any and everyone, but most especially to those in need or going through hard times.
All that being said... it is pretty tough, there're some rough times, there are moments where my optimism runs dry, but all things considered, life could be so much more terrible.
Oh, I'm gonna post a pic of Rambo (he's beyond awesome, I love him so much)... And yeah, I stuck his villainous toys there with him because I'm silly like that.
