Happy New Year! and I Lost My Contact in My Eye

Happy New Year everybody! Hope you are starting the new year off with a blast.

Unfortunately I think I may be starting off the new year on a bad note. I think my contact is lost in my eye. I don't think I washed it out, but I don't feel it in my eye either... I think I need to see the eye doctor as soon as I can (although I don't think this situation is all that serious or dangerous to my eye). I'm not panicking, not panicking, ok, I'm kinda panicking... it's my good eye too, my dominant eye, my other eye has really poor vision. Well, I needed to see the eye doctor anyways...

In terms of being optimistic, at least I wasn't stung by a scorpion today. Nor is my contact a necrophagous organism, so at least that's another good thing I can be thankful for. Necrophagous organisms suck.

Cynosure, Cool Art Links, and Thoughts on Stories I've Been Reading

Cynosure. I had no clue what this word meant. Maybe you do, but if you don't, here's the definition:

1. Something that strongly attracts attention by its brilliance, interest, etc.: the cynosure of all eyes.
2. Something serving for guidance or direction.

I think it's a cool word, I've come across it before, but only now have I finally looked it up. Maybe now that I blog about this word I will really remember it.

Art Stuff

Mariana has a couple of great art posts over at her blog. One post is about Rossetti, a Preraphaelite painter, she makes some fun observations... Another post is a collection of images, all beautiful still lifes.

Stories I've Been Reading

So I've been reading a lot more lately. I can't remember if I've already mentioned this. It's nice, but I'm so greedy, I just wish I could be running around doing stuff. I should be thankful I feel well enough to concentrate on reading, several months ago I would've given anything to be able to read consistently.

Now, I've always loved reading, but there's something a little too passive about it, I'd rather be experiencing life myself than having someone observe it for me. Well, not all writing can be reduced to that... but I'm sure you know what I mean. Especially given the context that I've experienced almost nothing beyond the confines of my room this past year, it's easier to understand why literature doesn't suffice. That said, it still does me good, it allows my mind to go to far away places and experience lots of random adventures (who'm I kidding, I don't need books for that, I have a bunch of peyote in my kitchen cupboard, always does the trick! not to mention all the hallucinations I experience that aren't even drug induced! What can I say, I'm blessed).

So, I've been reading lots of short stories. Been reading a lot of Edgar Allan Poe, and also lots of the French writer, Maupassant. I've really dug a lot of Poe's stories, some of my favorites include The Black Cat, Ligeia, Death Blow, A Mouse Killed My Ourang- Outang, The Pit and the Pendulum, Crack Smoking for Novices, and a range of other fascinating stories. Really cool stuff.

Maupassant is just as morbid as Poe, and really quite insane too. Let's see, the last story of Maupassant's that I read was pretty crazy. It was in the form of a diary. The diary is written by a prosecutor, he is a guy who spends his days sending murderers and rapists to prison or the gallows. But this prosecutor gets infatuated with the idea of what it must be like to kill someone, so he ends up killing a bunch of people to see what it's like. Uh, helloooooo, can you say psycho!? Unfortunately, the prosecutor's diary (in which he has meticulously detailed his crimes) is found only once he is dead, so he escapes earthly punishment for his psychotic deeds. Moral of the story: there's a lot of crazy bastards out there.

Hmmm, I wonder if my recent bouts of night terrors has anything to do with the fact that I'm reading stories like this right before going to bed... I need to start reading happy stuff.

Cats are Cool

What do cats do all day? This following video will show you, it's a 10 hour time lapse with photos taken every 30 seconds. I guess the results aren't all that surprising.

Creatures to Paint...

We found another scorpion this morning... Great? These things are popping up all over the place! Unfortunately this one was vacuumed, so he will not be a specimen that I get to paint... and I can't even show you what he looked like since I didn't even get a chance to snap a couple pics of him. There's this sense of loss inside of me, hard to describe, but I'm mourning the lost opportunity...

You know, I certainly want to paint scorpions, but I'd also love to find some huge hornets to paint, but right now isn't the season for that kind of insect around here. The hornets/wasps we get are huge, their buzz sounds as loud as a freakin' lawnmower. And their anatomy is totally crazy, their back section is connected to the front by this little measly wire-like thing... And if I could ever get my hands on a dead diamondback snake... I'd give anything to paint a snake, the texture, patterns, the way light glistens on the scales, plus snakes are so interesting in terms of imagery and symbolism... as evidence witness the image I posted at the top, called the 'Madonna of the Snake' by Caravaggio. Laying the beat down on a snake with your bare feet!? Now that is crazy...

All this talk about painting creatures brings me back to a couple years ago when I lived in Chicago. I'd been telling my friends at work how badly I wanted to paint a bird. I'd go to the field museum every once in a while and draw specimens they had on display. It was actually really cool, and you'd always get these little kids coming up to you and asking a bunch of questions and saying lots of nice stuff to you about your drawing. Actually that was probably the best part, little kids are so funny and hilarious...

Anyways, I prefer drawing and painting in privacy, without millions of people milling about. So I wanted to figure out how to find a dead bird, preferably taxidermied or whatever (I had a crazy friend who said he was trying to learn how to do this so he was gonna help me out). Well, one day, walking back from work I came across a dead bird, perfectly normal looking, lying there in the middle of the sidewalk. I knew this was the moment of truth, would I, in my craziness, find the courage to pick up this random dead bird off the sidewalk so I could bring him home and paint him? Glancing in my bag I saw I had a brown paper bag, and I knew chances like this don't occur every day. So, in the end, I did do a painting of this bird... Unfortunately I have not found any dead birds since then, and the roadkill here in AZ tends to be pretty gruesome and also gets quickly picked apart by vultures. Cool.

Looking back, I would never touch a dead animal again, pretty stupid, you have no clue what kind of illness those creatures might have... When I got sick with my current illness, I had a couple bad holy shit moments, like maybe I got ill because of that bird, but it was so many years ago... I mentioned it to the doctor because I was kinda freaked out. Well, since I've done every test known to man, there's only one thing ailing me, the Epstein-Barr virus, so that bird I painted was irrelevant to my current situation. Good grief, I would've been insanely pissed at myself if the bird was the reason I had gotten sick, I was also pretty freaked about HIV, that's another one I would've beaten myself up over, but thankfully I don't have that!

Sharks, Basketball, and Project Gutenberg

First off, hope you all had a merry x-mas!

Let me tell you about this really cool book I got, although it certainly is going to mess with my mind. The book? A book on sharks! It has glorious graphic big fat photographs of these evil demonic man eating sharks... There's even some vicious photos of people after shark attacks (how unnecessary is that!), seriously, am I ever going to be able to go swimming in the ocean again? Heck, am I ever going to be able to overcome the mental hurdle to even go swimming in a swimming pool again!? Yes, my fear of sharks just keeps getting greater, and yet, somehow, I've learned to embrace the fear, I relish it... I really do think sharks are some of the coolest creatures!

In other news, a buddy of mine proposed this thing to me. He said that when I'm better, he wanted to start a basketball team with me, sign us up in a league, you know, at some place like the YMCA. Man, of course I'm looking forward to being better from this illness because that'll just be heaven in and of itself, but this b-ball thing is really something I'm looking forward to! Playing basketball! Always been my favorite sport, I've always loved playing pick-up games... And now my health is doing so much better that imagining myself playing some basketball in the future is a lot more believable. I'm so impatient, I wish I could play right now!! Now! Now!

But really I'm just thankful I'm in less pain, my headaches are almost nonexistent except for brief flare-ups! Finally not having that constant vicious pain in my head, seriously, life is so much EASIER!!! I'm still fatigued, but it's diminishing, not as fast as I'd like of course, but I'm positive lots of good things are going to happen soon... just gotta be cool, not get claustraphophic about my situation or try to rush or force anything. I'll be able to do things when my body allows me, I can already concentrate more, proven by the fact that I can read so much more than before. Reading isn't even an effort like it used to be a while back, now it's easy and enjoyable like it was when I was healthy. Of course I still can't draw very often and the stuff I do when I can is cartoony stuff, not dawing from life or anything, but I just gotta be patient, it's gonna happen!

I'm also excited because I got a couple art project commissions lined up for when I'm better! Nice to know I'll have some guaranteed income whenever I can get back to work.

Books On the Internets

Wanted to give you a cool link, in case you haven't heard of it... It's called the Project Gutenberg, and it's a site where they post books online, and it's all legal and free... So far I haven't really found any American writers at this site, but there's lots of French writers, lots of short stories, and they seem to have lots of original text and also English translations. Check out Maupassant's short story "Le Horla" if you have time, bout a guy who gradually goes insane.

Christmas Tagged

So I've been tagged by Babs, she is getting her revenge on me.

[The tagee (me) lists 3 things that I would love to get for Christmas. Then I list 3 things that I definitely do not want to get for Christmas. Then I tag 5 friends and list their names. The one I tag needs to write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes then tag 5 more people. When you tag someone you need to leave a comment that says "you've been Christmas tagged!" in their comments]

Three Things I Want For Christmas:
1. I will not go with the most obvious choice of high-octane weaponry. How bout world peace? Is that cool? Too abstract? They didn't mention if the things I wanted had to be things... If so, I'll just say I want a red panda.
2. Abstract thing I want: World domination. Concrete material thingy I want: some cool books.
3. Abstract thing I want: Happiness. Concrete material thingy I want: new pair of sunglasses.

Three Things I Don't Want For Christmas:
1. Duckbill Platypuses taking over the world.
2. More illness. Well, I know I'm ill, but actually in both senses. So it evens out?
3. World domination... I thought about this and realized it's way too much responsibility.

My victims:
WAT
Lauren
Mariana
Silverneurotic
Trey

Firefox Should Die (Not the Animal! I Love the Animal!), and a Recommendation of How Not to Get on My Bad Side

Pictured above is a firefox, never would I mean for this kind and cute and cuddly little creature to be harmed (I love this creature, I have posted about it before because it is so awesome). Firefox the browser, on the other hand, should be severely beaten. For some reason Firefox automatically uploaded the latest version of Firefox and totally wiped out all my bookmarks. Normally I wouldn't care, hell, I've never cared about bookmarks or anything computer related before in my life, except now that I've started reading blogs. The only way I keep track of blogs is by bookmarking them. Plus all the cool art and art sites I've found, I had all those bookmarked too. Oh well, I think I have the fortitude of spirit to overcome this tragedy... but probably just barely.

Quick and Easy Way to Get on My Bad Side: Tell Me I'm Faking My Illness

There aren't too many things that anger me. Really, I'm actually a pretty laid back kinda person. There is one thing that really angers me though, and it happened the other day, multiple times. This incident usually angers me so much I sink into silence and the only sound I can muster is a short, lackadaisical, uneasy sort of laugh. This of course, is my standard response to anyone who makes a joke of me looking good, haha, I look so good I'm probably faking my illness, haha... Shit, you think that's funny? My mouth might be smiling because it's all I can do to restrain the logical reaction, which the crazy look in my eye probably hints at...

Seriously, I can't understand how making a joke of me faking my illness would be funny. That joke really hurts me, my illness is for real, I have the bloodwork to prove it, doctors to prove it... I guess it's just so demeaning, and really disrespectful, even if it is a joke... I mean, it feels like it negates all the bullshit I've gone through, all the pain and fatigue, sort of like calling me a bullshitter and a lazy bastard all in one. I wish I wasn't so sensitive about it, but I'm already frustrated by my circumstances, and people making jokes like that is like grabbing the knife that was already in me and twisting it just so. I really can't wait to be completely better, so that I don't have to hear jokes like that. People can be such assholes to people who are sick, and I try not to let it bother me too much, but it's easy to say that, hell, it does bother me, any way you slice it.

Yet this story isn't about unrequited wrongs, the story ends in a nice way. Hooray!

In a way, it's fortunate, this last person that made the joke is a pretty good friend, and I didn't want to hold this against him. So I ended up emailing him after a couple days letting him know how his joking about my faking my illness had hurt me. He was really sorry, in a very sincere sort of way, and I know he meant no disrespect, he's very supportive of me as a person and of my work as an artist, he knows firsthand that I'm not a lazy person... He's also a person I have a lot of admiration and respect for. That is why I thought it was important that I let him know how I felt, I had a feeling he'd understand and would make sure not to drop that joke on me again.

Moral is: Never, ever make a joke to a sick person about how they are faking their illness. Sure, life ain't all black and white, some unscrupulous people lie about being sick, I realize that possibility, but your safest bet is to not make that joke. I bet that more likely than not a sick person really is sick, so you're probably gambling on losing percentages when you make a joke like that. Plus most people aren't as kind as I am and would probably have ripped your throat out for that kind of joke... just sayin'.

New Drawing, My Dog's Not a Hippie, Now I Think I am

Drugs? Alcohol? Superhero Shark? Debauchery? Airplane crashes? Guy walking his hedgehog? Eyeball with a gun? Chopped off heads? Flying cactuses? It's all here, in this drawing. Well, I forgot sex, so I just had a little billboardy kind of sign that says 'SEXY.' I didn't want to send this drawing into X-rated territory with weird sex scenes (hmmm, maybe next time).

I'm not a particular fan of drugs, so Lord knows why I did this, but not all things need explanations (don't you love how I get out of explaining myself and my weird antics!).

Anyways, my worries about my dog being a hippie have somewhat dissipated. Only prob now is that I think I'm turning into a hippie, or I've always had some hippie in me, I have no clue how I got to be hippyfied. The best remedy I could find for getting rid of the 'hippie' in me, well, I decided to flush all my drugs down the toilet (then I cried after I realized what I had done, shouldn't have reacted so hastily, regrets, regrets...). So, now that I am drugless, I still need to fully cleanse myself of any 'hippie' that might be left in me. That's why I've listened to country music all day, especially Merle Haggard, uh, actually, I really seriously do love country. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

You totally need to subscribe to my site. Seriously.

Steve Nash and Soccer

I'm so tired today... will be visiting everyone's blogs and responding to comments when I feel more awake! So for now, I'm posting a couple cool clips of Steve Nash, the Suns' point guard, he's a ridiculously good basketball player, but he's also got some soccer skills as the following clips demonstrate...

Hurray! More Scorpions in the House (Why Am I Still Living Here...)! Plus Painting Ideas, and a Line From the Movie Platoon

Please welcome the newest member of our family, he's in the foreground, big fat scorpion guy, he looks a little bleached out, must be from eating poisoned crickets. In the background is Scorpy the Scorpion, who, as you might remember, met his terrible fate a while back, a fate that included my dad pounding him into the ground with my sketchbook (uh, no, that's not bitterness there, just stating the facts!).

Fortunately this big fat scorpion was dead when we found him, Howard, our pest control guy who is so awesome by the way... Howard and I sometimes have these long winding conversations about life and everything, plus he's got a cool twirly Rollie Fingers/19th century moustache going. Anyways, I have a feeling this big fat scorpion died not directly from Howard's insecticide, since it is very difficult to poison scorpions directly, you must poison them by poisoning the food they eat, like crickets. Why do you need to know this, you don't, you are bashing your head into the keyboard because that was useless and excessive info which will most likely never serve a purpose in your life.

Ideas for Paintings

Anyways, I think this newest scorpion presents a much better specimen to do a painting of, although it's too bad he's a little bleached out, but that's kinda cool in a way.

I was thinking the other day about ideas for paintings when I'm better, I think it'd be fun to do some still lifes with a mixture of objects that have different surfaces and textures, like an old tv (painting the screen and reflections would be cool, heck, maybe I can find a broken tv who's screen is cracked) somehow juxtaposed with dog toys (I have no clue on the layout, but I'm thinking a conventional one might be interesting). What's cool about dog toys is all the teeth marks, little pieces hanging by a thread, and the infintesimal scratches and details... I think all those details and nicks and scratches will be fun to capture.

Movie: Platoon

On tv last night... Platoon! Only saw a snippet, but it was great, Tom Berenger, totally intense in this movie telling a wounded soldier, 'Take the pain!' Sounded like a real sadist... but Berenger's so good in his role, I think that line about taking the pain will repeat itself inside of my head whenever I'm having bad headaches... Unfortunately I missed the part of the movie where they smoke opium out of a shotgun, I saw the movie years ago back in high school, but I always fondly remembered that part!

Rambo Loves Clearcare Products

This is a video I made today (let me know if it plays, this is the first time I upload on Youtube), it depicts Rambo in all his glory chomping down on the only thing that I was able to distract him with, an old Clearcare bottle. Quick note, he did not swallow the little red thingy and I washed out the bottle beforehand to increase his chewing pleasure.

By the way, please check out this post by Brony, it has to do with mental illness... She's trying to get to 100 comments in an effort to increase awareness of mental illness and debunk some common myths.

World Domination, This Leads Into Thoughts on Napoleon, the French Revolution, and I Talk About a B O O K I Got

How a Midget Became Emperor, An E True Hollywood Story on Napoleon, the Magnificent Midget

World Domination

You people are all awesome and amazing. Because you keep voting for me over at 25peeps, I am slowly but surely inching closer to world domination. Moreover, I haven't even heard a smidgen of complaint about how annoying I am with this thing, but I think it's because you realize how much the duckbill platypuses threaten our way of life, and voting for me is the most sensible thing you can do to stem the tide of their rising power.

Now, I've been reading a bit on Napoleon lately (who my grandmother considers as evil as Hitler mind you, hehe)... Did you know Napoleon wasn't even French (he was from Corsica), but whatever, what I'm saying is this, I'm reading about Napoleon so I can learn from him, so I can further enhance my Machiavellian nature, so I can make better decisions, so I can learn how to grab power in sneakier and more devious ways.

But seriously, Napoleon is a pretty fascinating character, it's interesting how split the French are on his legacy. Some consider him a tyrant, a man who carelessly slaughtered thousands upon thousands (and this includes many French people), some consider him a national hero, a military genius, a man who also instituted serious and important reforms (Civil Code)... My cousin and one of his friends are total Napoleon fanatics, I love baiting them into rants with comments like, 'Napoleon was a bitch' or 'That must've been so embarrassing for the French soldiers who were led into battle by that tiny 3 foot midget!'

For me, what is sad about Napoleon is this, his coronation as emperor marked a bizarre end to the French Revolution (which was pretty murderous in its own right but at least the ideals and thoughts were noble in nature). I mean, you have a revolution by the people and end up with a dictator, that kinda sucks! An interesting thing too, before Napoleon came along, France was by far the most populous country of Europe, something like 20-25 million people, but after Napoleon, since he used so many men for his wars, France lost a generation of men and eventually was outpaced in population by Germany later that century. What is debatable is whether this change in population growth had any effect on the wars that would follow... Who knows, not very important now I guess...

Damn, that was boring, sorry, well, thanks for reading if you did!

Book, Not Literature, It's on Learning HTML, Haha

Well, this book, it's pretty silly I'm talking about this, but I'm kind of excited to try my hand at this stuff, and the book seems really straight forward. So my goal is to learn HTML so I can build my own site for my art stuff, I mentioned this before. I really hope I can follow through on this, it would be great being able to learn how to manipulate content on the web by learning how to build a site. I'm really not going to be too ambitious, I'm going to just try and learn some basics, and if I can learn how to build a room, well then I'll try and learn how to build a house and then a neighborhood. Sometimes when you try and learn something new you get a little too excited, and also unrealistic, and you start dreaming of the stars before you've learned the first basic thing!

Thoughts on Edgar Allan Poe and Basketball

First off, keep voting for me, and clicking on my pic over at 25peeps.com (I'm the guy staring at his hands with the dramatic lighting). You can vote every day by clicking on my pic. Only with your help can we defeat the competition, which is daunting (as my loyal general Babs pointed out!!!), have you seen all the tits and ass I have to go up against, it's ridiculous! I'm beginning to wonder if 25peeps isn't some sort of softcore porn site. But that, of course, is a topic for another day. Anyways, vote for me so that you may help me in my quest for world domination and my courageous attempt to thwart the impending duckbill platypus conspiracy.

Quick aside: My dog is chewing on the toilet.

Edgar Allan Poe

Now, I haven't read Mr. Poe's work since back in the day when I was a wee little schoolboy. I'm not quite sure why they made us read his work in school, his writing is brilliant, but his subjects and themes are a little macabre and intensely psychological, to say the least, and Poe's writing certainly went over my head at the time (I just thought his stuff was creepy).

Well, I'm not a big fan of short stories, but I said what the hell and decided to start reading this dude, got this nice little anthology of his work that I found. I FREAKIN' LOVE HIS STORIES! I'm so happy I started reading him again, well happy might be the wrong adjective, for godsakes, his writing is about as dire and murderously crazy as literature gets. Anyways, reading Poe has made me realize that I need to explore a whole new genre of fiction, horror stories. There doesn't need to be murderous bloodbaths in the stories, I tend to prefer the psychological aspects of fear and horror, moreso than bloody murders and physically appalling scenarios. So, if you have recommendations for me, please let me know of writers or stories I should check out...

Basketball

Have you seen the Phoenix Suns? They've won 12 in row, playing with panache and a sweet style, how can you not like this team, even if you aren't from Phoenix. They make basketball fun, run and gun, such a nice change of pace from the 90s where basketball was all muscle and grind, really really boring I thought. My art studio (which my buddies are keeping for me till I get better) is right next to the Suns' arena, I can't wait to get better so I can catch some games. It's been a long time since I've been interested in going to a sports game, but you know what, after watching the Suns on tv, I feel like they put on a great show which would be fun to see in person...

Do You Hate Rumsfeld? This Video Will Make You Reconsider...

You guys seen this video? Cracks me up! I'd like to learn how to do that video editing, there's a world of possibilities with such technology!

Doctor's Visit

So, I saw the doctor yesterday. I actually really like my doctor, he's a good guy. Still, I've never been a fan of doctors or doctors' appointments. The reason is simple, a doctors visit rarely results in good news, often times the news is neutral, and every once in awhile news can be bad to catastrophic. Ok, this isn't to dismiss the fact that going to see a doctor regularly is a good thing, you need to get checkups, you can prevent or at least find things out early and give yourself a chance against any impending illnesses or conditions.

So, I guess the point is this, go to the doctor, it's important, but it sucks, it will always suck.

I'm sure you all hate as much as I do that second room they make you wait in, alone, where you must quietly anticipate the doctor's eventual entrance. That room, eh, I'm just picturing it right now, it's cold in there too, there's that table with the glassine or whatever kind of weird see throughy paper they put on top... The walls have posters of the human digestive system, I think there was also another poster on the other wall of the human spinal column. Sometimes, if you're lucky, there'll be a maquette of a human eye or something in the room. That is always cool, especially the ones that come apart and you can see the insides of the organ. I always loved anatomy (this is not a crazy statement, I did take anatomy in school!)...

And of course those tiny, cold, sterile rooms are drenched in an odor of sickness, I never like breathing the air in those small little rooms, well, it's the same thing at the hospital too... And what do you think about those red freaky looking containers with the radioactive symbol on them (I always find those unnerving to say the least)! I always feel like those containers are dangerously unstable and that there is a distinct possibility they will blow up and all the goo inside will be unleashed! Plus those containers stand out so bad, in this room painted so white, not even a toned down white, but a full on, bleached out, sunlight in July kind of white, well in this sea of whiteness this red container is begging for attention, begging you to be curious about it, maybe to even start worrying about it...

There are also cabinets in this tiny room, which I've never ever seen a doctor or the PA open in my life. Maybe that's where they keep the money! Oh, and I'm just remembering this, there was a random Good Housekeeping magazine on the table next to the sink, maybe that's to serve as a reminder that I'm in a place I shouldn't be.

You know what, visiting the doctor could be worse, I like my doctor, and the people at the reception desk are nice and funny. Hey, having nice receptionists at the doctor, that is like finding gold!

Check this out!

Hey, I'm on 25peeps. Check it out (and click on my pic, lots of good things will happen if you do!)...

Deja Vu? I Talk About Boring Stuff Like How I Feel... Again

Quick note: I turned off comments on this post, sometimes I think I'll do this, on these sort of journal entry posts (not that I don't love all your wonderful comments, I just thought it might be good to nix it on this, you guys have already given me so many encouraging comments on my situation, and these sorts of posts are a little repetitive, and it's not like I leave you with much to say except things like good luck or damn that sucks or you should go smoke some crack you'll feel like God).

I wrote this earlier today. I was feeling frustrated... This is sort of like a journal entry, but I spiced it up in my editing phase, where I added a couple psychotic visions. I thought you'd appreciate that, or, maybe the terrible, murderous, psychotic visions I included in this post will just scare you and you will cry because you can't handle their intensity. Well, read on if you dare...

So... this post delves deeply into Sebastien's psychology (always refer to yourself in the 3rd person, adds a scary that guy must be crazy factor to your personality!). Anyways, I am optimistic most of the time, but I do have moments and times where I feel sooooo trapped in by my body, ahhhhhh, maybe I just need chocolate! I'm like, so incoherent today, you'd think I got so high I forgot 2+2. uh, =4. Shit, what??

Eh, sorry, I haven't slept well these past couple days, sometimes I go through these periods where it's very difficult being positive about my situation, I kinda get claustraphobic of being in a body that's always sick, it's so frustrating, I sort of feel like my body is choking me from the inside out. I was telling my sister that when I feel like this, it reminds me of this play I read where these people are stuck in a room for eternity! Although my existential crisis isn't quite that bad, the room in that story is equivalent to my body... Awww, pity me, just kidding, I'll make it through this BS, but man, my body does feel like it's own prison, I'm locked in with balls and chains. Well, at least my torturers are on strike or something, you know, because those headaches have really calmed down. I just hope the government doesn't start paying the torturers again, I don't want them to get back to work inside the back of my head to whip up those nasty headaches, those bitches!

My situation kind of makes me think of the myth of Sisyphus, anytime I think I'm making progress I get kicked back down a couple notches. That's why I keep my opium pipe nearby, sweet sweet comfort, I love drifting off into a land where the skies are full of floating elephants who are diligently working on their novels on their laptops which are plugged into clouds for energy while down below on dry land the void is filled with the voices of opera singing tigers, who get carrot bullets thrown into them by demonic rabies crazed rabbits (those bastard bunnies hate music!)... yet there is one true good guy to fight all this evil, the one who will deliver everyone from these evil bunnies, this, of course, would be Rocky the Raccoon. And yes, I will be drawing this scenario one of these days. And yes, my imagination (or is that insanity, fine line I suppose) has grown leaps and bounds, you can thank my illness for that. Or maybe the craziness was always there, and only now have I been able to tap into that. Chicken or the egg, who knows...

Here's one of the most difficult things, and I think all of you who are battling health conditions or illnesses will understand this: I've always had faith in my body, I could always trust it to be there, to allow me to work hard, to get better from colds and viruses, I could always count on feeling well enough to do fun things, be active, ride my bike, see friends. Now that my body has been nailed so badly and hasn't yet recovered, I feel that all the trust I had, in a body I thought so dependable and strong, well, it's vanished, or at least been shattered into lots of tiny pieces.

Now, my faith and trust aren't completely destroyed, and although the faith I used to have in my body has taken a hard hit, the faith I have in my mind is very strong. Yes, there are times where my confidence is shaky, but my mind is surfing on this wave of badness, although I still get hit with bouts of worry and fear, my mind can usually overcome those periods of worry.

But one thing that has to happen, especially for me to regain confidence in my physical self, is that my body needs to prove to me that I can trust it again, it needs to prove to me that it won't hurt me every day with headaches, it needs to let me do things before I can establish any sort of trust and confidence again. In a sense, my body's failure and collapse makes me feel like I've been cheated on, by my own body! sort of like when you realize someone you have great admiration for is actually just a complete mirage, a mixture of illusions and fancy stories, just a big fat fake you can't even count on. Yeah, I'm being dramatic, and I know the only way to get out of this whole illness thingy is to believe so strongly and deeply that my mind will lead my body out of the gutter, and I truly do believe it... I feel like it's my destiny to beat this thing, sort of like those people who believe in the endless progress of humanity, well, I believe in my endless progress against this illness, but you know, you get down sometimes, you get into existential crisis mode (damnit, that's probably the French in me, stupid existential writers making me realize the absurdity of life and everything like that, illogical craziness, but there's faith in family, friends, and the spiritual to get you out of the postmodern bullshit of things). Anyways, I'm still in the trenches with this thing, and like any good fight, there's ups and downs, good moments and bad... this illness, which is so sneaky and devious, this illness which can't even show itself to fight mano a mano, well it floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee, but this illness isn't as cool or as strong as Ali, and it does not have the qualities of being eternal and insurmountable, it just feels that way at times.

Don't worry, I really am ok. I'm sorry to write some of this stuff, it makes me feel stupid, but at the same time I think it's good for me to not only show my optimistic side, but also my frustration. It's not all roses, I'm not skipping through this period of my life with carefree glee you could say...

All that being said, I'm happy, I'm lucky, things can always be worse (thanks to the friend who pointed out to me things can always be better, haha, that didn't help!). But you know, bad things build character I suppose, isn't that what Calvin's dad (from Calvin and Hobbes) always said? I hope I have lots of character after this, hehe...

More on My Dog's Problem, Plus I'm Worried My Dog Is a Hippie. Please Note: This Post Is Rambling and Incoherent, Yay!!!

Haha! Look at him, he likes funny sleeping positions! Anyways, could this cute little dog actually be...

A Reincarnated Hippie?! Please God, Don't Let It Be So!

Some of you are very right in your guesses about the dog problem. I still can't find the words to write about it, but I will now euphemistically refer to the problem as an 'eating disorder.' I cried myself to sleep last night, and around 4 am I woke up from a dream where my dog kept committing his sinful act. I screamed myself awake from that godawful dream, yelling, 'No, no Rambo, don't eat thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt........'

Now some of you must be demented, twisted, porno-loving sadists, because you immediately thought the problem must have been leg humping. Shame on you, sex is the first thing that comes to your mind, I mean, are you guys like sex freaks or something!!! Some people think the root of all problems is something sexual, well you know what, it ain't. Sex is not the be all end all in life, well, no, I guess once you think about it it kinda is... Maybe that's debatable, who knows... I say we smoke lots of marijuana and then engage in a debate on this subject.

Let me quickly jump into another topic, although it's still related to my dog: I'm worried that my dog might actually in fact be a reincarnation of some hippie dude from the '60s, some Kerouac Ginsberg Kesey worshipping acid taking group orgy sex maniac beatnik who couldn't walk straight even if you said you'd give him $500 to do it because he was so high on a cocktail of drugs he forgot that when you're not stoned carpets don't move like a wave and look like coral reefs and light particles don't split into individual beams that harness a message from God. And no, this belief that my dog might in fact be a hippie is not a flight of fancy, it's a flight of cold stark realism mixed in with a variety of acid flashbacks and hunger pangs because I NEED chocolate!

Anyways, all I can say is this, I'm thankful my dog's problem is not a leg humping problem. So I guess things can always be worse, right, I mean, leg humping is one of the most ungodly, disloyal, treacherous, sexually deviant acts known to man. Seriously, if there's one thing I will never put up with, it's leg humping. Should be written in the Constitution, no leg humping allowed in this COUNTRY!

I did consider shipping Rambo off to Iraq so he could grow up and gain a little maturity, I thought if he joined the Army he might learn some godamn discipline and maybe the Army'd help him overcome his most evil, terrible, hideous, disgusting 'eating disorder.'

Dog Problem and a Movie You Should See

Dog Problem

Bad news. Very bad news. Rambo (our dog as most of already know) is awesome, but he has one little problem. Ok, it's not little, it's freakin' colossal, huge, monsterous, brobdignagian...

Actually, I just decided I can't write about this problem. It's too troubling, disturbing, terrible, it will give you all nightmares...

I'll tell you about another more mundane problem he is causing. He likes to chew on things, and this isn't so bad I guess, most puppies like to chew on things. But he keeps trying to eat my books and magazines, and sometimes when he gets lucky he's able to capture a shoe from my room and make it down the hall without my noticing. Well, he's not so villainous, he could be a lot worse, the only troubling thing is the unmentionable problem, but when you put it in perspective it's probably not all that bad. Sorry, none of this made sense, some day, maybe I will be able to find the words to explain the colossal evil problem that haunts Rambo, but it is still too fresh in my mind...

Although Rambo's unknown 'problem' may cause you to wonder if he may not in fact be an unscrupulous evil tyrant, I will vehemently proclaim that Rambo is most certainly not any of the following things: serial killer, talk show host, rapist, drug smuggler, narcotics agent, illegal immigrant, border patrol agent, money launderer, backstabbing fiend, mobster, embezzler, stealer of identities, internet hacker, government spy, avid fisherman, arms dealer, ally of the evil Duckbill Platypuses, hockey player, spy for the Kremlin, designer of faulty chairs, Ford company CEO, terrorist, nor is he an ardent destroyer of private property. Ok, that last one is a big fat lie, he loves destroying the shit out of private property!!! I hope that lie doesn't throw my other assertions under greater scrutiny...

Movie: Running Scared

I saw this movie yesterday, it was awesome. Sure it was a little silly at times, and I thought the acting wasn't always great, but it's a great flick, reminds me of Sin City, chock full of action and violence! Crazy pimps, hookers, child pornographers, undercover cops, bombs, knife fights, car crashes, sleazy mobsters, lots of gunplay, this movie has it all!

Paintings and Art: Some Stuff I Like!

So every once in a while, I figure I'll post some images of paintings or art I enjoy, I'll try and vary between contemporary and older stuff... I also really enjoy African and Pre-Columbian Art, but I'm having trouble finding good images... So I guess the variety will be somewhat limited. If you have artists or anything you like, please send me a link or something, I love discovering new art!

Philip Curtis' "The Parade"

Philip Curtis has a lot of paintings at the Phoenix Art Museum, which sort of makes sense, he was a founding director! Anyways, his paintings are always interesting, I love the colors, and the imagery is fascinating in and of itself. But I really love the way his paintings are painted, you can't tell from images on the internet or in books, so I recommend seeing them at the Phoenix Art Museum if you ever get a chance.

Takashi Murakami's "The Olympic Champ"

Murakami is crazy awesome. What else can you say, I recommend checking out some of his other stuff, very psychedelic!

Charles Bell's "Finis Coronat Opus"

Charles Bell's work is ridiculous in its technical mastery. His subjects ranged from pinball machines, gumball machines, marbles, toys... Anyways, he's one of the photorealists I truly love, so so shiny, haha, the light and glow, man wonder how long it took him to paint these things!

Wendy Wagner

Her paintings are very fun, beautiful colors. I like the way she balances objects and paint in her images. Very cool...

Robert Bechtle's "58 Rambler"

You either love or hate this kind of art. I love it, although I don't particularly like it when this sort of art gets too photorealistic. Bechtle's pieces are always pretty slick, yet they tend to have a sort of romantic thing to them, which I like. And the way he captures the California light, well, I love that.

Sue Kutosh's Self Portrait

Don't know much about this artist, but she seems to do a lot of work in pencil. She's got some surreal stuff going at times, and I love the glow she gets in her pencil drawings. Never seen one of her pieces in person, but I can imagine they are incredibly well executed... I'm also a big fan of drawings as final pieces, rather than as a prepatory step towards a painting.

Daniel Merriam

I recently discovered this artist's work, very beautiful, scintillating, surreal, dreamlike. Huge fish flying around is never a bad thing in my book!

Karl Friedrich Schinkel's "Mittelalterliche Stadt an einem Fluss," 1815

I love this painting, very dramatic and romantic. From what I can tell in his biography, Schinkel became a full time architect and stopped painting... There's a lot of German art from this period that I absolutely love...

Gerard ter Borch's "Paternal Advice"

Gerard ter Borch was a Dutch painter who specialized in genre scenes. The main thing that is so wonderful about him is the way he paints clothing, especially women's clothes. Wonderfully executed, yet there always seems to be a nice dynamic in the paintings, so the technique doesn't tend to overshadow whatever is going in on the painting.

Rambo!!!

So, a couple people were asking about Rambo (our German Shepherd puppy) so I figured it was a great excuse to put up some pictures of his beautiful little self! He's been great, he's a very sweet dog, of course he gets a little crazy sometimes, like all puppies, but he's very fun! I think his presence is very good for me, the monotony of being at home so much, the isolation, well, it's very hard for me sometimes, but his presence and demeanor helps take the edge off of any sadness or pain I feel. It's also fascinating witnessing how fast he's growing, how his little shark teeth are just getting bigger and bigger... Makes me wonder, I saw a roadrunner in our yard (again!) the other day, could our dog succeed where Wiley has so often miserably failed??? Only time will tell...

Celebrity Gossip!!! It's Crack Baby!

Ok, I know I did a post on celeb stuff not long ago. You know what, it doesn't matter, this stuff is crackalicious.

First off, let me just laugh, and laugh so hard I won't be able to see straight or remember what was sooooo funny in the first place. Oh yeeaaah, let me get to the funny story, the story that made me laugh so hard, and I hope it makes you laugh too, but if you are more sensible than me you probably won't feel amused, likely the emotions you will experience will be fear, horror, and shock. The story is this: Paris Hilton wants kids, actually, to be more exact she wants 4 kids in 5 years!!! Well, I'll give her this, I think she'd make a better mother than Britney, of course, Britney's almost killed her baby about a million times, so that ain't saying much. And you can also credit Paris for being so ambitious, 4 kids in 5 years, that's a mighty challenge.

Nicole Ritchie with a trayful of food, YEAH RIGHT!

I find these photos of Nicole Ritchie appalling, egregious, preposterous, and deceitful. Nicole Ritchie holding a trayful of food!!! Hahaha, and I bet a rabbit can fly to the moon, well, maybe in an acid trip he could! Anyways, I truly doubt the veracity of these images, in fact, I'm 100% sure they are photoshopped, likely by her publicist. The pictures are probably as deceptive and disinformative as the pre-war intelligence we were fed on Iraq. Moreover, everybody knows food is for losers, and someone like Nicole Ritchie is way too cool to eat. I don't eat either, I'm just that cool.

Ohhhh, I Like the Hair!

Alright now, let me be nice, I've been a little acerbic and slightly malicious lately. So, what do you guys think of this look, seems like a couple stars are sporting it, like Janet Jackson and Gwen Stefani (pictured above). I actually love it! Very sexy. And I'm being serious, this isn't me being sarcastic, I really dig that look!

Spongebob in German Is Good For You! Plus I Go On a Tangent About How Cool I Think Raccoons Are!

This video has nothing to do with anything. I just find it funny! They keep playing the Spongebob movie on tv, plus the show is on all the time, kinda crazy, even I'm getting a little bit tired of Spongebob... I haven't seen Foster's in a while, that's my absolute favorite show of all time. Come to think of it I haven't been watching too much tv, usually when I feel better I do other stuff...

I'm really going to miss watching all those crazy fear-inducing shows on the Discovery Channel, you know, stuff about killer spiders, tigers, snakes... So much information I don't need, but find so satisfying in an odd I wonder what it'd be like dying like that kinda way. The other day I even saw a show on catching raccoons (in French the raccoon is called a raton laveur!, haha that is one of my favorite names for anything!). These raccoons would end up in peoples' houses and offices, and these animal catching people would have to come get them. I was mesmerized with the footage, raccoons are awesome, they are totally ferocious, yet they look so cute and cuddly. Suffice it to say, raccoons are my second favorite animal after German Shepherds, although I do really like black cats... Wow, I end up writing all this when my original intent was to write something serious about art and painting!

I can't resist including this clip from Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, I posted this once before, but it's so great!!!!! Whenever I don't feel well and need to laugh, this clip never fails!

Do Social Networking Sites Kind of Annoy You?

Ok, I've just about had it with these friend-networking sites like Myspace, Friendster, and Facebook. I'm not going to act like I've never used these sites, but I will use this as my defense: the only reason I ever joined was because I got this illness and I needed something easy to do that would occupy my attention. Haha, don't you like how I partake in the forbidden fruit but find a great excuse for doing so!!!

Truth be told, it was kinda nice reconnecting with old friends, plus keeping in touch was a lot easier. So I started softening up a bit on my previously inexplicable hatred of these sort of sites... it was fun leaving friends stupid messages... but my leniency wasn't going to last...

I think Myspace is the worst, it is just such a piece of shit, it's always buggy and the default design looks like crap. Plus they got bought by some stupid company run by a megalomaniac. Facebook is a little better designed than Myspace but it strikes me as so damn posh and exclusionary. It also just feels so intrusive, anytime you change any little thing on your profile everyone you know is alerted! Feels like Orwell's 1984... Friendster isn't even worth talking about.

I don't know, there's something about these sites that is soooo annoying, I can't quite put my finger on it. I guess they seem so fake to me, or, people come across as really fake in the way they attempt to define and present themselves. It feels like everyone is advertising themselves, or trying to sell themselves. I know I'm being pretty harsh and maybe reading a lot into nothing, I mean, seriously, who cares? Well, I don't know what it is, but I felt this crazy urge to just trash these sites, I can only assume I'm joining a growing chorus of people who hate these sites. Hmmm, I do still use these sites, albeit rarely, well... I feel like an old person talking about how they hate these new fandangled technologies, a condition otherwise known as misocainea (someday I will have to explain how in God's name I know that word!). But I really do like new technologies, witness my love of Youtube!

Anyways, do you hate these sites? If you do, please give me the reasons, I feel silly railing against these sites with no coherent argument! Plus I still find them useful... I'm sure there's a lot of analogies I could make right now about using something but hating it... but I can't think of anything.

Two Funny Links, and I Talk About This Book I'm Reading

Links

These two links are funny, they both involve stories of people not knowing things they really should know.

Ever Heard of Sex? -My question is this, what have you been doing all these years!!!!!!!!!!???

Head of NASDAQ: What's Gross Profit Margin? -Maybe he was just getting high during all his classes in business school?

Let Me Tell You About the Book

Ok, first off, I don't make a habit of talking about the stuff I read, I'm pretty forgetful with plots, I forget what character did what, I get sidetracked in things I'm trying to say about the book, and frankly, I'm a lot better at analyzing a range of other subjects, like football, art, and this stupid illness I have. That said, I love reading, and since it's what I spent some time doing yesterday, I will go ahead and tell you about this book.

So this book I'm reading, Les Illusions Perdues, is by Balzac, a French writer. I mentioned I was reading this a while back. Anyways, this book is freakin' great, not exactly a happy happy story... The novel takes place around the 1830's... the story is about a talented young poet. This guy is from the countryside, and he moves to Paris to try and make it as a poet, he is full of idealism and the hope of creating beautiful works.

Well, so far he has squandered his talent, mostly because he forgets about working on his art, he gets enamored with the idea of money and fame (and the fine ladies that go along with that fame!). Haha, anyways, he gets into journalism, sees it as his opportunity to make a name for himself, but he basically becomes a gun for hire, renting out his services to the highest bidder, writing whatever people want him to write. He gets manipulated every which way by all sorts of people, which so far has really screwed him over.

I'm kinda hoping for a miracle, I'm at a point in the novel where he's at death's door, he has no money, his family has no money (eh, this is kinda his fault!), but I'm still cheering for him to pull it out, he's not such a bad guy (he just has no backbone, well, that kind of is a major fault!), I hope he can recover and get back to writing 'real' things... Most of all, I'm hoping he can make it through so that he can get some sweet sweet revenge on the people that screwed him over! There's still 200 pages left, so I'm optimistic that there's hope for this young poet (if those last 200 pages are full of revenge, I will be so happy!). Actually, a major reason for his downfall was his lust for revenge against a former lover and her new aristocratic asshole of a boyfriend (thus making my excitement over his getting revenge somewhat silly and ironic!). Nonetheless, in spite of the author's seeming anti-revenge stance, I'm still cheering for the poet to get revenge.

Superhero Stamps, a Miracle, and My Crazy Idea

So first off, I don't know when these stamps (above image) came out, all I know is this, I freakin' love 'em! Got a letter from a friend a little while ago, she used these stamps on the envelope, and I was blown away, coolest stamps ever! Now, I don't quite know what my love of these stamps says about me (maybe that I am nerderific?)... Anyways, I never was a huge fan of action hero comics, but there's just something so damn American about these things, the whole pop culture thingy, I dunno, they're just flat out cool.

A Football Miracle!

As for the miracle? This involves the Arizona Cardinals... They won!! They won a game, didn't blow a huge lead for once! Ahhh, I love Sundays during the NFL season, something so nice about having football on all day long.

Idea: Building a Web Site For My Art

The crazy idea isn't so crazy actually. Possibly far-fetched in terms of my success... I mentioned a while back that I'd like to create a website for my art, well, I do already have a domain. I do have a friend who's willing to set up a site for me, but he's busy and I don't want to hassle him with constantly updating the site, so I think I should learn how to do it myself, hell I should just try and build it myself.

I can't work on my art very often, even little cartoony stuff, but doing stuff on the computer hasn't been too taxing. So I think I'm going to try and build my own site, I'm going to get some books on building websites from the library, and just go from there. The only web experience I have is with this blog, Lord knows if I had never gotten sick I wouldn't know the first thing about computers. So although I'm a novice, I'm kind of excited, I mean, I love projects, I love challenges, so this could be really cool, and I'll probably end up learning a lot! That is, if everything goes according to plan and I can figure out the first steps! I think the current circumstances in my life are perfect for me to give this a shot now, I have a feeling that whenever I'm better health-wise I'll be less inclined to sit around blowing tons of time trying to learn code and web design.

Celeb and Sports News (You Know You Need This! Seriously, Don't Act Like You Don't!)

Celebrity News

In fun celebrity news, Britney is just plunging into the single life with gusto. She's now hanging out with Paris Hilton too, haha, I would pay money to hear the conversation that goes on between those two!

In more Paris news, I also heard somewhere that Paris and Lindsay Lohan got into a fight, with Paris supposedly hitting Lindsay. What do these people have to fight about, I don't really get that, unless it's just to get more publicity and attention. Who knows why? Well, I guess if I had the trifecta going (young, rich, and famous) I'd do my fair share of hotel room trashing, I'd probably also be sucker punching unsuspecting rival celebrities I was jealous of, I'd also have to do a lot, lots lots lots of drugs, I'd also have to reserve a couple hours a day so I could stare at photos of myself and revel in my own beauty, my favorite would probably be creating false gossip (that would be fun!), and just being glamorous, I suppose. I just spend a lot of time wondering, if I were a celebrity, what would my drug of choice be? Seems like LSD could be nice, but nobody is doing that nowadays. Cocaine seems to be exhilarating, not to mention fashionable and chic... Marijuana is a bit too far down on the totem pole for consideration, although I think Paris was caught with some (which would certainly make marijuana fashionable to smoke once again). Quite frankly, alcohol seems to be the drug choice for celebrities with absolutely no imagination. Heroin, now that was in style, but probably about 10 years ago right? Whatever happened to the heroin chic... seems like a good thing that faded into history, but I guess models are as thin and sickly looking as ever, with or without heroin. Hopefully they get some rules in the modeling industry, those young girls get manipulated by the agencies... they have no choice but to be rail thin. What in God's name am I talking about!!!!

And I also heard this (I watched the E channel yesterday!, that's why I know all this!), Lindsay Lohan is attending AA meetings. Hopefully she'll be ok, I kind of have a soft spot for her after seeing her in Freaky Friday... Which reminds me, I still need to see the Parent Trap...

Sports

In a sense it's unfortunate, when I feel better I start doing more productive things and forget to focus on the things that matter in life. The things that matter? Well, celebrity gossip and sports of course! I can't believe I missed the Patriots/Bears game last Sunday, I had to check today to see who won (the Patriots)! I don't know who's playing this week in NFL games, although I did atone for my lack of watching sports last night by watching part of the Suns' game (they won! and Amare played really well!).

Health Update and a Little Bit of Looking Back

Sorry, this is kinda long...

So, my main idea I had when I started this blog was I didn't want to talk about my illness (epstein-barr virus). I wanted to focus on other things, mostly because this illness racked me with constant worries (for the longest time the doctors couldn't figure out what I had, I was scared I had some disease that was going to kill me!) and also crazy ass pain (the pain in my head was sickeningly bad, it felt like little monsters were slowly eating away at my brain!)... well, this illness was all I could think about, mostly because the pain made it so hard to forget how sick and ill I was. I just remember googling this illness, or googling my symptoms, just praying I could find a magic cure or something. Haha, boy was I wrong, I ended up dying of stress with the shit I read: I'd think to myself, holy shit, I have that crazy ass illness, or I'd start thinking I had cancer, or a brain tumor, or a hundred other illnesses... I'd start sweating, and I mean really panicking, holy shit, holy shit, and I'd start pacing back and forth, I became convinced I was going to die (relatively soon that is), or I'd start worrying that my illness would morph into another illness or trigger something else (yes, it can actually, I just don't think about that anymore, I have no control over that), plain and simple I just thought I'd never be healthy again, or productive or anything. The stress certainly didn't help my symptoms, but I guess that's where acceptance comes in, and I just came to understand that things are the way they are, I came to the daunting realization that my death is a certainty, nothing is promised in life (hell, I just learned to be thankful to be alive, even if I was in pain and couldn't do anything, lots of people have died young, or suffered tragedies, I was lucky, I was still alive!), but I realized the only way I could get through this was to do my best, try and stay as mentally strong as I could, no matter the pain or whatever the damn circumstances. I think that's why I also watched a lot of sports, there was an element of never quitting, of really fighting, tooth and nail, that was something I really respected in great athletes that I tried to adopt in my own mentality. I hope I'm not coming off as dramatic or whatever, I'm just trying to explain how I felt, how I tried to make it through the most difficult days... The only person who could help me at the most terrible moments (not to discount all the support I've gotten from family or friends), well of course it was only myself. Only through faith and hope could I keep strong, and not fall apart and want to kill myself (trust me, this was never an option!) or just bash my head in the wall, or just fall into the deepest darkest depression over my physical pain and circumstances.

Blogging, even when in pain, really has helped me focus my mind on other things, even through some terrible I feel like crying this pain is so bad moments. Well, I won't lie, when the headaches were so bad and constant, and didn't let me sleep for days on end, I did cry!!! That was the only relief I could get!

I know it's not the best thing to be on the computer so much, but the vastness of the internet has really given me a new kind of liberty, which has been so refreshing because my illness has smothered my physical liberties so drastically.

I have talked about this illness from time to time, but lately it's been on a more positive note. Things really are getting better for me, my symptoms, ie headaches, painful lymph nodes, fatigue, are all diminishing, my mind feels so much more alive, I feel like a person again. I still have ups and downs, and I'm still tired a lot, but the best part is the headaches are so much less, so so so much less, I feel so thankful. Finally being spared of constant pain in my freakin' head, sometimes I don't know how I made it through... I thought I'd never make it through this nightmare, the lowest point was when I had to go to the ER because I just couldn't sleep, the headaches were like fire in the back of my head, they were constant and at such a high pain level, my body couldn't relax, these severe headaches could last for weeks, at the ER they gave me caffeine and morphine... I hate the thought of taking drugs. The mere thought of having to constantly take pain pills to survive through this thing, that scared the hell out of me. I tried to suffer through the most wicked pain, I never asked the doctor for pain pills, I just didn't want to cross that line (maybe that wasn't the right decision, I really don't know). I probably could have saved myself a lot of pain and stress, but I knew it was a risk, I didn't want to start taking things I'd become dependent on. That whole period, where I seriously thought I needed pain pills just to get through the days because of wicked headaches, that was the lowest low, the worst time in my life, everything felt so out of control, the pain in my head was out of control, I couldn't work a job (well, I still can't but I know I'm getting there), I couldn't even begin to imagine doing a little drawing, I just felt so damn screwed, like... It's hard not being able to work, not being able to validate yourself through daily activities, I was stuck, and I didn't even feel well enough to think, or imagine, or do anything. I'd spent my whole life working, learning, doing things, validating myself through activities... I guess not having that for a year forces you to learn about yourself, who you are, what you truly believe in...

Not sure I have much of a point with this post, I just feel that for myself it's a good time to express my thoughts, since my symptoms are so much less, I have a little bit more perspective on this whole thing... and I feel like it's important to give you guys a bit more information on who I am, what I'm going through...

But know this, I'm thankful for everything. I really am. I am lucky, I'm surrounded by wonderful people, somehow I haven't been overtaken by pessimism, anger, bitterness, on the contrary, I feel more happy, more joyous than I ever have in my whole life. Wait a sec, sorry, that's a little too glossed over... I'm still scared (less so though), and do still harbor some anger towards the people who doubted me, implied I was lazy, discounted my pain... Let's just say there was a reason I wanted to name our dog Rambo! But I'm not that angry, I try not to waste too much of my time on that emotion, it's worse than a cancer if you let it consume you.

This is a bit similar to a previous post I did, I know I repeat myself sometimes...

Anyways, I hope this post doesn't come across as condescending, or look at how great I am, or give me your pity, or whatever... I just feel it's good to open up sometimes... I've had a lot of moments where I was weak and scared, and I guess I'm just happy I'm making it through this thing, I guess I'm sort of incredulous that things are getting better.